


Dance Little Liar

by lmontyy



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Lesbian Character, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Dina's POV, Drunk Sex, Enemies, Enemies to Lovers, Enemy Lovers, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Hate to Love, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sex, Resentment, Resolved Sexual Tension, Rough Sex, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Shameless Smut, Slow Burn, Smut, Vaginal Sex, and the two of them start developing feelings for each other over time, but they're a mess for a while i promise it gets better, ellie and dina's hate for each other turns into unfortunately good sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:15:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 26,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27058582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lmontyy/pseuds/lmontyy
Summary: Ever since Ellie arrived to Jackson two months ago, Dina has never had a good interaction with Ellie. Constant attitudes, disrespect, and reserve has led Dina to completely resent her. After an intoxicated confrontation between the girls at a party, their dislike comes to a head when they stumble up to one of the bedrooms and let loose on each other. Dina can't get it out of her head. And as much as she can't stand Ellie, she starts to doubt every emotion she's ever had when she realizes she just can't get enough of her, either.
Relationships: Dina & Jesse (The Last Of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Jesse (The Last of Us)
Comments: 79
Kudos: 303





	1. You Can Never Get it Spotless

**Author's Note:**

> *TIMELINE NOTE: THIS TAKES PLACE WHEN ELLIE IS 19. JOEL AND ELLIE DIDN'T RETURN TO JACKSON UNTIL FOUR YEARS AFTER THEIR ADVENTURE.*
> 
> hey all!
> 
> so sorry about the inactivity. i lost my job in august due to covid and downsizing, and i recently picked up a new one with long, hard hours on top of my schoolwork. it's been hard to find time to write, and my motivation is a bit spotty too right now. but this idea came to me a few weeks ago and i finally wrote it and man, i'm loving it.
> 
> this is gonna be a five part piece with an epilogue. the chapters will hopefully be about this length to get the full story in.
> 
> updates for my other fics will be out soon - dont worry. thanks for all of your patience!
> 
> THIS FIC IS HEAVILY INSPIRED BY "DANCE LITTLE LIAR" BY ARCTIC MONKEYS. highly suggested to give it a listen before/during/after reading to get the vibe of the work.

_Infuriating. Impossibly infuriating._

Of all of the years that Dina had been living in Jackson, all of the people who had managed to rub her the wrong way, never in her life had she felt such a fury toward anyone like she felt whenever she saw Ellie.

Taller, auburn-haired, muscular. Undeniably attractive, but God, did she hate her.

Where had she even come from? Dina didn’t know. She didn’t care to know.

Two months beforehand, a burly, rugged man with short hair, a beard, and the iciest expression Dina had ever seen, made his way past the gates of Jackson, with this girl trailing behind him. This aggravatingly cold, sarcastic, reserved girl. This girl with a scar across her forearm. 

Dina was quick to find out that this man, Joel, was Tommy’s long-lost brother from nearly fifteen years before. She was also quick to find out that the girl who had followed in behind him was his adoptive daughter, the same daughter he’d spent years traveling the country with, attempting to settle down off in Seattle, but finding nothing but turmoil in the city. 

So, naturally, they came back to the one place Dina wished they wouldn’t.

She harbored such resentment toward the girl – sometimes, she couldn’t even put a finger on why. Sometimes, she had to remember just what it was that infuriated her so much about Ellie.

Any time she saw her at events, around town, on patrol, a deep fire settled in her gut and anger spiked through her nerves, pricking her skin and her veins like sharp needles moving throughout her body. Blood would rush to her face and her teeth would clench tightly behind closed lips. Her head would spin and every interaction she’d ever had with the girl would flood and drown her mind.

_“Hi,” The cold voice was unamused and uninterested. Her forest green eyes – that intense gaze – seemed to stay focused on anything but the girl in front of her. They were still intently staring at the sponge in her hand as she continued to scrub the buckets in the stables – the place where they first met._

Dina remembered the way she hardly acknowledged her. And why? Dina had only come to introduce herself that day, two months ago. It was impossible to get through the icy wall she’d put up, specifically designed to keep Dina out and far away.

_“So, uh…” Dina was taken off-guard by the chilliness of the voice. The feeling stung. “Where are you from, Ellie?”_

_With a sigh and a deadpanned glare, she turned, those deep eyes and fair complexion nearly knocking the wind from Dina’s lungs. They looked at her with disdain and annoyance. “What’s it matter to you?”_

That was the first time Dina ever felt disgust toward Ellie. The attitude that flashed and the look she was giving her; it filled Dina with a feeling of complete, utter resentment.

_“I was just asking,” Dina was quick to reply, exasperated, clearly not taking well to the attitude. Ellie didn’t seem to care, though. Her head turned back again to the soapy sponge in the drinking bucket as she continued to scrub roughly._

_The moment of silence between them awkward and irritated. Infuriating._

_“Alright, forget it then,” Dina dismissed, finally giving into her vexation. “I’ll catch you some other time.”_

_Dina only heard a scoff behind her as she turned and walked away._

Here they were now, two months later, and Dina had gotten to see plenty of Ellie in the weeks that flew by since she’d arrived. She seemed to get along well with Jesse, which didn’t bode well for Dina, who was still trying to repair her broken relationship with the boy she’d been dating on and off for nearly a year and a half.

But, of course, he didn’t seem to give a shit that Dina didn’t like Ellie, and continued to invite her to places and all of their parties, anyway.

Ellie never seemed to shy away from the invites, either. She was there at almost every one. She would be downing drinks left and right, taking blunts from her friends’ hands, hooking up with Cat behind closed doors…

That was the worst part, wasn’t it?

Any time Cat came near her since Ellie’s arrival – and since their obvious backdoor relationship – Dina felt her blood boil almost worse than when Ellie came into her vision. Her resentment for Ellie seemed to leak out on Cat, whom she never cared for, anyway. Now she had a reason to hate her, too.

Countless times Ellie had Cat drunkenly pressed up against the counter of Jesse’s house, or Mike’s house, or any person’s house, nearly suffocating each other with drinks and joints in their hands. They had absolutely no fucking consideration for anyone else, and it enraged Dina to no end.

Everything that Ellie did, Dina hated. Dina hated her for it.

_That drunk, high, inconsiderate, rude fool,_ Dina would curse her out in her head – it didn’t matter what Ellie was doing, how, or why, Dina would find a reason to mentally attack her, ridicule her or criticize her. And the worst part is that she was sure Ellie knew it – she just didn’t care.

Jesse would tease her. Whenever she found herself alone with him, she would be releasing her stress and anger and hatred on his lap, in his bed, pressed up against him, only to lay next to him afterward and sigh with frustration. And he always knew why.

“Why are you always thinking about her?” He would ask, a playful tone to his voice, but a wonder buried deep underneath. “Don’t you ever give it a rest?”

Dina wouldn’t have an answer for him. Every time, she wouldn’t know.

“I’m starting to think you have a crush on her or something.”

It was just a joke, she knew that, but she would jump to her defenses almost instantly. Dina crushing on Ellie? God, she would never. Never could she ever have feelings for someone so rude and crass and belligerent like Ellie. She was cold and aggravating. Sure, she was beautiful and handsome and every frustrating word in relation, but Dina would never find herself in any sort of romantic position with that wasted, arrogant asshole.

At least, that’s what she used to say. Before that party, when the sun went down and every last bit of her common sense flew miles out the window.

•••

Jesse’s cabin was packed with people that night. Dina’s nose and lungs filled with nothing but smoke from the hundreds of lit joints in the place. The smoke clouded her vision, making it difficult to see even the ceiling of the cabin.

Thankfully, the distance from Jackson’s walls kept the teenagers safe and at peace – all who had managed to sneak out the gates were now finding themselves high and wasted in the middle of the Jackson forest, the large gates on the outer perimeter of the cabin keeping any infected from clawing their way in.

Jesse had worked wonders to secure the cabin. He was convinced that Tommy had no idea it even existed, he’d said. It wasn’t too far a walk, and the trail that led up to it was marked and trapped off from infected. Jesse, despite being a stickler for the rules and for safety, was never one to turn down an opportunity for a night with everyone. He enjoyed putting together what everyone seemed to call “ragers”, and he loved to let loose with everyone for a time. It seemed as though even people as uptight and obedient as Jesse needed a night to feel rebellious and free.

Normally, she liked these parties. She would happily indulge herself in the pleasures of the night – a little bit of weed and alcohol never seemed to bother her. But that night in particular, she and Jesse had found themselves at odds. It was something so stupid that she had trouble even remembering why she was so angry in the first place.

But that didn’t stop her from looking for relief at the bottom of a can. Or, four cans.

It took awhile to get to that point. The music was loud and the lights were blaring. The kitchen was full, bottles all over the table and kids sitting up on the counters, talking to friends and passing joints between each other. Dina didn’t seem to fit in with any of them, so she just took one of the cans out of the cooler sitting to the right of the fridge and popped it open.

The alcohol started to hit her when she finally saw Ellie. She was playing a game of pool with one of the other young members from patrol – Hunter – and the two of them had their own cans of stuff they were drinking out of.

That feeling of resentment started to pile up on her chest. Just like it always did. But this time, with the drink buzzing in her system, and that feeling resurfacing, she found her feet mindlessly dragging her closer to where the girl was, and for a moment, she couldn’t bring herself to stop.

Common sense settled in and she snapped from her emotional trance, shaking her head just as she realized how close she had gotten to the girl, and she turned away to walk off, to leave her alone, and to not start anything.

She planned for it to go that way, that is, until a heavy stick poked roughly into her arm as Ellie hit her shot on the pool table.

_Oh god,_ Dina sighed aloud, knowing she wouldn’t be able to help herself now. Especially not when Ellie turned around with a nasty scowl on her face, trying to identify the source of resistance that had seemed to mess up her shot. Her eyes were locked into Dina’s anticipating expression almost instantly.

“You think you could watch where you’re going?” She scoffed, her words only slightly slurred but still enough that Dina could pick up on the alcohol settling in the other girl’s system.

“You think you could stop being such an asshole?” The words flew out of her mouth before she had time to catch them. 

Ellie’s face of surprise had Dina regretting every word she’d ever spoken in her life. Yet, the alcohol was stinging in her bloodstream, and to see the taller, cold redhead in such a state of awe at the way Dina stood up for herself had her thrilled – and she never wanted to shut up again.

It didn’t last long, the shock in Ellie’s expression. Her raised eyebrows soon returned to their downward position, the scowl forming back on her face and destroying any trace of the emotion beforehand.

“Takes one to know one,” She dismissed coldly, the attitude setting flames to Dina’s skin, sending her whole body into an angry overdrive that she found herself struggling to control – choking back a slew of horrible obscenities that she wanted to spit like fire at the girl in front of her. “Now, leave me alone, will you?”

When she turned away from her, the attitude like poison on her tongue, Dina felt all of her self-control evaporate on the spot. Her composure cracked like glass – and Ellie was the hammer.

“Turn around and face me,” Dina’s voice was stern that it had a turned Ellie frozen in place. Hunter was wide-eyed as a drunken grin began to form across his face, awestruck at what was taking place in front of him.

Dina’s demand had Ellie turning around slowly, brows furrowed in outrage and disbelief, challenge written across those cold eyes and something deeper, some kind of burning intensity that she couldn’t quite place, but Dina’s composure almost caved again at the sight of them. She felt a pull in her body that wanted to rush forward – an urge to wipe that look right off of her face.

“You need to tell me what your fucking problem is with me,” Dina demanded again, her voice still so stern that she was just continuing to surprise herself. “You’ve been nothing but a… _bitch_ to me, ever since you got here…”

Ellie sat, all words lost at the sheer force of Dina’s voice, and she stood there, attempting miserably to hide the hesitant look scribed across her freckled face, but Dina saw right through it. She had the upper hand in this situation and it was tantalizing. The tension was so infuriatingly good.

“Yeah, maybe there’s a reason for it. You can fuck off now,” Ellie shot back, not missing a beat. Despite being obviously stunned just moments before, Ellie was marvelous at regaining her composure.

“Oh, really?” Dina took a challenging step forward, her words becoming more close together as little by little the alcohol in her system made her braver. “I’d like to hear the reason why.”

Thankfully, their skirmish wasn’t reaching the ears of the blasted teens around them – it had only managed to garner the attention of a few.

“Fuck this,” Ellie slammed the pool stick down on the table, her glaring eyes never breaking from Dina’s. She was ashamed to admit that those eyes were captivating. “Fuck this and fuck you. I wish you would just learn when to leave me the fuck alone.”

She was also ashamed to admit that those words seemed to hurt her.

Stomping away, eyes tearing away from Dina’s after long seconds of tension between them, Ellie’s words never seemed to shake off the back of the smaller girl. In fact, she was left angry, and even worse, hurt. She felt her blood boiling under flushed skin, and all of her instincts screamed at her to stop the redhead and continue the confrontation. Despite the anger, she was almost surprised at the way Ellie was so quick to give in. It’s like she didn’t want to fight. Which was… weird.

Dina had never been one for confrontation – although, naturally, she seemed good at it. She could recount many times where she spoke her mind in times of injustice and unfairness. Times she stood up for her friends and family, times she reamed Jesse for hurtful words or the silent treatment. Although she seemed to have a knack for it, she never enjoyed it. She never sought it. Her confidence, while unfaltering and bold, wasn’t enough to hold her, especially not in the situation she found herself in with Ellie.

Succumbing quickly to the rage and distaste she felt for the girl who had disappeared somewhere in the crowd of drunk teenagers and smoke that lingered in the air, Hunter was quick to pass her another can, holding up another bottle and assuring her that she was more than welcome to it when she was done.

She didn’t deny it. She didn’t fight the urge. She wanted to get drunk and forget how angry that tension with Ellie made her, and how excited it made her, too.

•••

She had lost count how many drinks she’d had many hours ago.

It was dark, hot, and the world seemed hazy around her. Her consciousness swayed in and out – her mind seemed to draw blank after blank as more heat seemed to surround her. It took her a moment to remember the party, the people, the fight…

Where was she now? The world was spinning too fast to be able to tell.

A strong, warm hand made its way under her shirt. It didn’t take long for the next one to follow suit.

_Jesse?_ Her vision was clouded and she felt dizzy in the presence of the wet heat; a pair of lips connected with her neck and her mind seemed to fall deeper into a haze.

No. No, it wasn’t Jesse. _Something feels… different._

She felt… warm. Desperate and needy. And the responses seemed to mimic her actions. She wasn’t complaining.

Reaching forward, she made contact with the fabric of a shirt, two rows of buttons hanging off to both sides of where she’d placed her hands. She was met with nothing but a delicious warmth that radiated off a hard surface. She felt ridges and dents of muscle underneath the clothing where her hands played above.

Jesse was toned, but his waist wasn’t that slim. His hands were never that warm. His lips were never that soft and they never kissed her like that.

Instead, Dina settled on enjoying the moment. Her head wasn’t in the right place, the world was spinning around her, and the sparks of pleasure and warmth she felt moving through her body in waves was too good to deny. She couldn’t ignore the way this stranger was making her feel. It was intense, it was passionate, and it was hazy from the alcohol – and judging by the way the room reeked of weed, that didn’t seem to help them, either.

As she became more aware, she felt her hands slipping up from the abdomen of the person in front of her, the same pair of warm lips crashing into her own, locking her in a dizzying string of wet, hot kisses that had the haze of the situation only intensifying. Especially when a warm tongue slipped into her mouth. It shut down her mind – she reveled at how good the old beer and brandy tasted on their colliding mouths.

When her hands traveled far enough, her fingers lost themselves in the softest hair she’d ever felt. _Red hair._

Dina hardly thought enough to notice. She was getting drunker off of the kisses being pressed into her mouth – the tongue that had pushed its way in tasted too delicious to resist. The warm hands that splayed across her skin made her sigh hotly into a challenging mouth as goosebumps ignited across her abdomen and down her arms.

It took a moment to also realize that she was straddling the stranger’s lap, sitting upright on the edge of a bed that definitely didn’t belong to her. But God, how good it felt to be pressed up against that slender, muscular body, her thighs over theirs, core pressing hard into the center of their jeans and she wanted nothing more than to lose herself in the pleasure of this…

_Girl._

Her hands had made their way back down and traveled over a raised chest that had Dina realizing that this was no ordinary drunken hookup. She was in a girl’s lap, up in one of Jesse’s guest bedrooms, making out and desperately feeling each other. It wasn’t what she was expecting. Yet, somehow, the discovery made the encounter all the more exciting.

She felt her way down muscled arms, passing over toned shoulders that were blocked off by fabric of what seemed to have a flannel pattern – but that was the last thing Dina was paying attention to when she was on the lap of a girl with such beautifully solid shoulders and sculpted arms. The sleeves rolled up let her find the girl’s forearms, and in one hand, she felt her fingertips moving over unusual ridges in her skin, an entire patch of marred tissue that had seemed to heal over time, but Dina couldn’t quite place what it was or why.

The two strong hands on the woman in front of her traveled still along her skin, finally gaining the incoherent courage to glide over Dina’s breasts, tucked away in a tight, black bra. The bra didn’t dull the sensation she felt when those warm hands ducked inward and took her breasts into them, one of her thumbs finding a hardened nipple and rolling it.

It was all so dizzying.

Her lungs began to scream for air, and as she backed away from addicting, delicious lips, she pressed her head to the forehead of the girl in front of her, panting as the blood pounded in her ears and nothing but heat swallowed her core whole.

Dark brown eyes stayed hidden behind closed lids as her befuddled brain tried to grasp the situation.

One of her hands followed the same trail back up to the girl’s face, letting fingers glide over the lips she had just been kissing and letting the warm breath spark goosebumps down her arm and send a shiver down her spine when it touched her fingertips.

It was only when she opened her eyes did the reality of the situation hit her.

A wave of comprehension came over her, sweeping her feet and taking her under.

When she opened her eyes, the only thing she was met with was another pair of eyes staring into her own.

Forest green, emerald eyes.

_Ellie._

The world seemed to dissolve around her, darkening in the lustful haze that had completely swallowed her. Dina couldn’t remember anything after that.

•••

When her eyes opened, she could hardly register where her weak legs and intoxicated mind had taken her. She didn’t even realize she was waking up in her own bed until she sat up and analyzed the room around her. Her room.

A massive pain throbbed in the deepest parts of her skull. A headache she knew all too well sometimes – one she could even find herself enjoying on particularly bad evenings.

But what was more, she felt an undeniable dull soreness between her legs.

_What happened?_ Her lapse in memory had only served to frustrate her, she was convinced. _How did I even get back here? I was so drunk… I don’t remember a thing._

She remembered warm hands on her skin.

It startled her as mangled bits of her memory had started to recover themselves. Eyes widened as the picture became clear behind broken, cracked glass.

She remembered the hot breath against her neck and lips.

Holding her head in her hand, she only sat there in disbelief and horror, trying to ease the pain that only seemed to throb and sharpen as the memories raced back into her exhausted mind.

She remembered the emerald green eyes that were staring back at her when she opened her eyes for the first time.

She remembered the shock her body felt realizing she was face-to-face with Ellie.

And she remembered how she leaned in to kiss her savagely again, anyway.

_God, what the fuck was I thinking?_ Shame seemed to cloud her thoughts in the moment, in complete disbelief of what a willing participant her drunken mind seemed to be in the heat of the moment, tongue to tongue with Ellie Williams.

It all started to make sense – the toned abdomen, the soft red hair, the muscled arms, the scar under her fingertips, the green eyes… Dina knew in that moment that she was hooking up with the girl she resented most in the world. Dina had realized it right then and there.

So why, why the fuck did she go back in and kiss her again?

Slowly dragging a hand down her face, she struggled to process the realization, sitting upright in her bed with eyes wide and staring blankly into nothing. She tried desperately to find an excuse.

_I was drunk… and high. Never in my right mind would I have ever hooked up with that miserable asshat…_ A sigh fell from her lips. _Even drunk, I can’t fucking stand her. I still can’t._

_It meant nothing._

She wondered if Ellie knew. She wondered if she even remembered. They were both so wasted that it was entirely possible that – just like Dina, at first – Ellie didn’t even realize it was her that was straddling her lap, rolling her hips and gasping when strong hands grabbed for her long, black hair…

_Fuck, stop that._

But, what scared her more, was that there was also the possibility that Ellie remembered every waking detail of their night together. Or, that she wanted it to happen.

Dina always knew about the existence of drugs that were used before the outbreak to knock women unconscious. She was no stranger to the sick, twisted knowledge that women were drugged for sexual favors. And she knew plenty about the trade of these kinds of drugs and many others that happened not only in Jackson, but in the outside world.

She’d seen it many times – both in Arizona and in Jackson. Jesse would purchase pills that had an even stronger effect than weed from an outside trader who stopped into Jackson to restock, resupply, or make some underground sales. Just as he did with Jesse. And she was certain he definitely wasn’t the only one. 

_What if she did…_ Dina shook her head viciously. _No, no. Ellie’s a shithead, but she wouldn’t go that far. Right?_

Her anger and resentment toward the girl seemed to cloud her common sense. She knew that, truthfully, the chances of Ellie purposely slipping something in her drink – which she had stupidly left hanging around the pool table, in the place of their confrontation – were next to none. She was an asshole, that much was true, but never once had she shown to have any kind of attraction to Dina whatsoever. She was sure that it was just as Dina had processed it – a meaningless hookup between two girls that were so drunk that they didn’t even know who they were hooking up with.

Nonetheless, her stubborn hatred seemed to persevere.

_I have to find her._

She refused to believe she allowed herself to do such a disgraceful thing – drunk, high, or not. It had to be the other girl who started it. She would find out soon enough, she thought, as she lifted herself out of the bed and got to her feet.

Quickly, she made her way over to the dresser, brushing off the plethora of relentless, invasive thoughts of the night before.

She was ashamed to admit that she loved the way she ached between her legs.

•••

Finding Ellie would be the hard part. Who knows if she even made it back to Jackson after the night before? What if she ended up crashing at Jesse’s cabin – like most kids did? There was also the small fraction of a possibility that something happened to her trying to get back.

_No. Jesse has it secured. I made it back, didn’t I?_

She wasn’t allowed to die until Dina told her that their exchange meant nothing.

The town was quiet that morning. It was a typical Saturday morning – many of the citizens of Jackson weren’t too hard at work that day. Sundays were far more busy, with church and all.

But she knew, among all of those faces somewhere, she’d find that typical scowl. Those gorgeous, shining eyes that watched Dina with the same resentment that Dina had for her. _Ellie._

She was typically out on patrols, or she’d be assisting Tommy around town, running errands and earning her keep. It was why so many of the residents adored her – she was always running around for everyone. Not a single person living in Jackson had any kind of quarrel or complaint about Ellie. No one except Dina, of course.

Walking the snowy streets, she kept a careful eye out for the girl in question, receiving many greetings from friends and fellow residents around her. They would wish her a good morning, a safe travel, or a lovely day.

The sun had risen over the mountains surrounding Jackson, the morning fresh in the air, the lights of Jackson still glowing in the streets. Her home was always so beautiful, but that morning wasn’t any kind of morning to take in the beautiful sight around her. Her eyes were fixated on one thing.

Turning the corner with Hunter by her side, Ellie was clad in her hoodie, a jacket that was lighter than her usual heavy one opened and hanging off of her shoulders. She was in her typical jeans, and she wore her boots. _God, remind me why she’s actually attractive?_

Freezing in place, Dina realized that confronting her in front of everyone, including Hunter – who unfortunately bore witness to their last skirmish – wasn’t the smartest idea. Did she need the entirety of Jackson knowing that she hooked up with Ellie? Absolutely not. She didn’t need to carry around that shame.

Quickly making for the small alleyway off to her right, she placed herself against the wall, back to the wooden logs of the diner, the wall of the lumber shop just a mere foot or so away from her face. Her breath seemed to catch in her throat at the idea of coming face to face with Ellie again, first after their fight and second after the night before…

She heard a quick exchange of words between Hunter and Ellie as the two separated. Hunter worked daily in the lumber shop – when he wasn’t on patrol, of course. _Lucky me._ Leaving Ellie alone with their usual chest bump, Dina’s peeking head darted for the safety behind the wall as she watched Ellie walk off in her direction, eyes seeming to wander mindlessly as she headed over to lean against the wall of the diner. Just feet away from where Dina was standing behind the wall.

A deep breath passed through her lips as she peeked her head around the corner, attracting Ellie’s attention with a sudden, firm _psst._

Abruptly turning her head, eyes wide and startled, her frown formed quickly upon realizing whose face it was that had garnered her attention.

“Would you come here?” Dina asked impatiently following Ellie’s stare in disgust. “I have to talk to you.”

“What do you want?” Ellie demanded, brows furrowing. “We can talk out here.”

“No,” Insisting now, her voice grew colder. “I’m serious, it’s important. Get over here.”

Pursing her lips, Ellie seemed to give in after a moment of silence in thought. With a heaving, exasperated sigh, she drooped her shoulders and slowly made her way around the corner. As she did, Dina’s hand wrapped around her forearm and yanked her quicker into the alley, out of sight.

“Ow, what the fuck?” She demanded, jerking her arm away, pressing it close to her chest. “This is so fucking creepy. What the hell do you want?” Her sour tone only seemed to burn Dina more.

She wasted no time.

“What do you remember?”

Ellie’s gaze seemed to lighten, eyes widening a bit in aggravated confusion. “What?”

“Last night,” Dina didn’t bother to hide her desperation. “What do you remember?”

Surprised and caught off-guard, Ellie’s staggered complexion never faltered. Her stubbornness seemed to dissipate as her mind’s gears turned behind a thick skull and confounded eyes. She seemed to actually try and appease Dina.

“Um…” It didn’t last long before her attitude reemerged. “Oh, I remember you making a fucking scene in front of everyone.”

_Christ._ “No, you dick,” Dina lightly shoved her, seeming to put her more on-guard as she squared her shoulders defensively, but not bothering to get in her face or fight back. She simply took it, but Dina blamed it on the shock of the situation. “After that. We fought. You stormed off. What do you remember after that?”

Another moment of silence left Dina teetering on the edge, eyes desperately searching for her own answers in Ellie’s face, trying to read her eyes or her expression or even her freckles to find some kind of closure.

_I don’t think she remembers._

Suddenly, eyes narrowed and the slightest upward tug pulled the corner of her lip. “You wouldn’t happen to be referring to the two of us ending up on top of each other in your boyfriend’s guest bedroom all night, would you?”

_Fuck._

“Whatever it is that you remember, you need to forget it happened,” Dina all but demanded. “As far as I’m concerned, nothing happened between us and that’s the end of it.”

“You sure about that?” Ellie’s scarred eyebrow cocked, her amused smirk creeping upward again. _You’re going to milk this, aren’t you?_ “You seemed pretty desperate to find me.” There was a tantalizing way that she said it that had Dina reeling. She silently chastised herself for being so easily enchanted by the girl she couldn’t stand in front of her. 

“No, you’re gonna forget about it, and we’re never gonna speak of it again,” Dina repeated, her voice was stern and somber. “I’m not kidding. After today, we’re done talking about it.”

“Whatever you say,” Ellie’s uncaring attitude only seemed to anger Dina further.

“How did you do that to me?” Her demand was almost embarrassing. She knew it was unlikely, but the denial and the disgust at the situation was enough that it forced its way out anyway. “Did you slip me something?”

“What?” Ellie scoffed, laughing in genuine disbelief. “You’re kidding, right?”

“No,” Dina’s confidence faltered, but she but the disconcert was still clear in her voice. “I’m not kidding. Did you?” Her pride was too much to swallow – she’d choke on it and lose all of her words.

“No, Dina,” Ellie affirmed incredulously. It was the first time she’d ever heard Ellie call her by her name. “I didn’t fucking slip you anything.” Dina seemed satisfied finally with her answer when Ellie muttered, aggravated, under her breath. “Where the fuck would I even get that shit?”

An awkward silence befell them, and Dina simply sighed and grabbed her head, leaning back up against the wall and her eyes could only stare intently into the wooden wall in front of her, completely lost in stressed thought.

“Who have you told?” Dina suddenly asked after Ellie had shifted uncomfortably against the same wall, sitting in delicate silence.

Ellie took a moment to respond, prompting Dina to give her a side-glare. “No one.”

“Have you?” She challenged, disbelieving.

_“No one,”_ Ellie repeated with more attitude. It was enough for Dina.

“Good, let’s keep it that way.”

Dina pushed another heaving sigh from her mouth, triggering a negative response from the girl next to her.

“Don’t worry, I don’t wanna be seen with you, either,” Ellie remarked, seemingly careless about it based on her tone, but Dina wondered if there was another meaning under that snarky, cold attitude.

“Good,” Was all that Dina said, ending the conversation there. “It’s not going to happen again, and we never speak of it.” She repeated for her own comfort, almost like she was trying to reassure herself rather than drill it into Ellie’s head, who just stood beside her watching her with disdain.

“Whatever you say, princess,” Ellie dismissed, cold and unforgiving.

It only seemed to make Dina hate her more.

Dina crossed her arms and continued to stare at the lining of the wood, brows furrowed in irritation and scorn. Ellie took that as a cue to leave, but not without digging another thorn in Dina’s chest.

“Can I leave now or what?”

Sighing heavily, Dina just waved her hand in dismissal. “Yeah, just go.”

Turning to leave, Ellie didn’t even look back. It was like it never even crossed her mind. Dina was quick to catch her one last time.

“You better not tell anyone,” Dina’s voice prompted Ellie to turn around again, scornful amusement written across her face, but some deeper, ravishing look flashed across her eyes. “I mean it, Williams.”

Her lip twitched upon hearing her name spill from her lips with such an ordering tone. Dina didn’t miss it. She didn’t miss the hard swallow, either.

Yet she hid it so well – with a roll of her eyes, she turned away again, scoffing to herself and disappearing around the corner. She played it off like Dina hadn’t caught her intrigue and stir at Dina’s purposely commanding tone. _You sly dog._

Much like Ellie, Dina only scoffed to herself before turning to head the opposite way down the alley. _God, what an asshole._

•••

“You doing okay, Dina?”

Her mind had been everywhere else but there, where it was supposed to be – trotting through the snow on Japan, alongside Hunter, who was riding Ocean, surveying Dina’s normal route on the Creek Trails.

“Oh,” Dina shook it off as Hunter’s question broke through her thoughts. “Yeah, I’m alright.”

There was nothing else she seemed to think about like she thought about Ellie and their encounter. It’s all that seemed to plague her, ravaged her mind like a horrible infection with no cure. She desperately wanted to forget, wanted to think of _anything else,_ but all that seemed to cross her mind was the image of Ellie’s eyes undressing her as they kissed wildly in the haze of the party, drunk and high and stupid. And angry.

“You seem off,” He pointed out innocently, tilting his head from his horse that walked just a few feet in front of her. “You’re sure everything’s okay?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

_God, if only I could tell you._ She sighed aloud, brushing off the idea of telling him. She couldn’t breathe a word about it to anyone. Even her friends. Especially her friends.

“You’ve seemed weird since the party, y’know.”

Hunter wasn’t quick to miss much, and Dina cursed it.

“Oh, no, it’s nothing…” Dina tried to dismiss it with a forced, breathy chuckle. But it was rushed and obvious and Hunter knew right away.

“Does it have to do with Ellie?” Just the mention of her name that fell from the boy’s lips had Dina’s eyebrows shooting up, taken back. “You’ve been weird since your fight. You two went the fuck at it and then disappeared for the rest of the party the night at Jesse’s.”

“Yeah…” Dina’s breath caught, her mind racing. _Keep your mouth shut._ “She’s such an asshole sometimes.” It was all she could muster. It was true – she really was.

“Oh, I know it,” Hunter laughed. “Well, no one noticed you two disappearing together, so, you’re good.”

_Together? What?_

“What do you mean ‘together’?” Dina’s voice came off more aggressively than she’d intended. _How did he know we ended up together again? We went our separate ways. Where’s he getting that from?_

Hunter seemed to notice her tone, but didn’t give in or entertain it. His voice stayed annoyingly neutral. “Oh, well, I just, you know… heard about what happened.”

Dina’s blood ran ice cold. _What… How the fuck does he know? How in God’s fucking name did he hear?_ All of the color left Dina’s frosty cheeks, even the flush on her face from the cold around them disappearing instantly. _Did he see us? Did someone else? How the fuck did he hear about it?_ She gulped down her anxiety with one swallow and forced the words out of her mouth.

“H-Heard about what?” The stutter in her voice was undeniably incriminating. She was kicking herself in the ass for it.

“Well…” He almost seemed shy to talk about it, but the nervous chuckle kept him grounded enough to continue – unfortunately. “She didn’t tell me the whole story, but when I asked Ellie if she saw you again, she told me that you, uh… You guys ended up in one of the rooms together…?”

Rage swept her like the hottest, saltiest wave from the largest, most hateful ocean in her body. _It hasn’t even been a day._ That fat mouth of hers went on to go tell someone _already._ Despite all Dina had said to keep it under control. _Who the fuck knows who else she told? Oh, that bitch is going to pay._

Swallowing the fury that was building like hot glue in the back of her throat, the words clawed their way out of her lungs, her breath tight as she tried desperately to conceal the emotions that had been overcoming her. 

“Oh,” Was the only thing she could manage. It was clearly pained and filled to the brim with displeasure. Hunter didn’t ignore it.

He laughed, hoping to diffuse the exasperation forming on the girl’s face. “It’s alright, don’t get mad. She only told me last night. She said she was just thinking about it and she didn’t care if I knew.”

“Really,” Dina’s anger shifted to burning interest, fire still laced in her breath. “Was that all she told you?”

“She was just mean about it,” Hunter admitted. “She said she doesn’t know what she was thinking, that you’re hot, sure, but she can’t stand you.”

Just when she thought the flames in her stomach couldn’t get any bigger and hotter or _angrier,_ hearing that Ellie was, not only breaking their fine line of trust, but talking shit about her, it only seemed to completely unnerve her more, adding more kindling to the fire.

Dina only hummed coldly in response.

“She just said that she doesn’t like you, and she can’t believe how drunk she was,” Hunter seemed to conclude, but then caught himself. “Oh, but she kept going back and forth about it. Like, one minute she was like ‘I don’t know what I was thinking’, and the next she was going on about how it was ‘bound to happen at some point’. And she said that clearly the two of you hate each other enough that you could, and I quote–” He used air quotations with his fingers to emphasize her words. “‘Fuck it out.’”

A heat quickly filled her, and she could only hastily shake her head, feeling a warm panic light every one of her nerves on fire. “Absolutely not,” Dina was instant in her response. “I don’t know what came over me to end up in bed with her, but it’s never happening again.”

“So…” Hunter was careful about his words. “You guys went, like…?

“No, we didn’t go all the way,” She immediately shut it down, lying through her teeth and she didn’t like it, but the panic fueling her kept her going. _No one can know._

“Oh, okay,” He was easy to believe her outwardly, but she had no idea if he was doubting her behind a closed mind. It was infuriating.

_She’s fucking infuriating._

Dina took a second of silence to process everything. “Yeah, no, we didn’t…” She didn’t know if she was trying to convince him or herself more. “We didn’t go that far… We just hooked up, and then we left.”

Hunter’s lack of response worried her just a little. _I’m not entirely lying,_ She thought, but she realized it was really only to comfort herself.

When they reached the first lookout point, both of them stayed relatively quiet. It wasn’t awkward. Dina couldn’t quite place what it was that lingered between them following their conversation about Ellie and the party. It almost seemed like Hunter was giving her space, and using the silence as a means to keep them both in their own worlds. She appreciated it.

The rest of the patrol seemed to drag by. They cleared out all the infected – luckily for them, it was only a few runners and clickers – and then proceeded to head back around sunset. They checked everything, cleared out halls of markets and stores, and took a few items back.

In her mind, throughout the entire patrol, the only thing on Dina’s mind was getting back to Jackson to hit the taller girl where it hurt. She planned on going straight into the lion’s den – right to her house to confront her. She wasn’t going to tip-toe around it, she wasn’t going to sit by and wait to run into her. The anger building up in her was in full gear and she was ready to let the redhead have it.

_This is probably gonna go terribly._ In her mind, she knew that. _But I don’t care._

She had told Dina that she wouldn’t tell anyone. That was her word. _But why would her word mean shit to someone she hates?_

Dina didn’t care. She just didn’t care.

Her blood was boiling in her veins – the anger was almost painful. As if she couldn’t hate Ellie any more, she seemed to somehow top it. Part of her wasn’t surprised.

There was so much rage directed at the girl, so much that Dina couldn’t control it. Even though it was an awful idea, Dina was almost desperate to confront her again.

Something else other than just the anger and the need to rip into her for double-crossing her seemed to sit heavy on her chest, and suddenly she got the idea that maybe she just needed an excuse to meet Ellie face-to-face like that again.

She would never admit it, though.

•••

Cutting through the greenhouses, she began to near the fence surrounding the big house on Rancher Street. It came slowly into view, and suddenly, so did the roof of Ellie’s little garage-house stowed in the backyard of Joel’s house.

_Here goes nothing,_ She thought, pushing through the gate and finding herself out in the back of the big man’s house, just feet away from where Ellie was tucked away. Darkness had fallen over Jackson, but the light at the door guided her right where she needed to be.

Admittedly, she’d never been near or around Ellie’s house. She’d only heard about it from everyone else. It looked like a decent size for one lean, tall, reserved teenager with an attitude. _It’s about as small as her personality._

Taking a deep breath, Dina let the anxiousness subside and let the anger take over. This was the only way to release. She would let the taller girl have it and never speak to her again, regardless if she found out later on that she was telling more people or not. She wanted nothing to do with her after one last interaction.

Pounding her small fist on the door, she waited a moment before it creaked open suddenly, revealing the tired, aggravated face of Ellie behind it. She was in a long navy green shirt and black basketball shorts. Dina figured that she was getting ready for bed prior to her appearance, but she couldn’t care less.

“Oh, God, what the flying fuck do you want now?” Ellie groaned, the confusion melting into an unwelcome look of disbelief.

“I’m coming in.”

Dina didn’t wait for the heads-up to enter. She pushed her way in, and surprisingly, Ellie didn’t stop her or protest. She just sighed heavily and slammed the door behind the smaller girl who immediately took a seat against the armrest of her couch. Turning to face Ellie who was standing at the closed door, arms crossed and a shoulder drooped, she wished she could’ve gotten a better look around the house – her curiosity did tend to get the best of her, sometimes.

Both of them locked eyes, arms crossed, nothing but pure resent written on their faces.

“Can I ask why the fuck you’re barging into my house at ten o’ clock?” Ellie asked begrudgingly. “Seems like you can’t get enough of me.”

“You promised,” Dina’s tone was dour and her face was nothing short of disgusted.

Ellie’s brows furrowed. “What?” There couldn’t be any less interest or care in her voice.

“You promised you wouldn’t fucking tell anyone,” Firm and unyielding, Dina wanted an explanation, some kind of word from the girl in front of her.

“Who did I tell?”

“Don’t play stupid,” Dina snapped. “I know you talked to Hunter already.” Ellie rolled her eyes and sighed, irk spreading through her face as her arms fell from their crossed position in annoyance. “Wanna tell me who else you told?” Dina leaned forward, challengingly, rear still placed against the armrest and arms tightly crossed against her chest.

“I didn’t fucking tell anyone else,” Ellie grumbled, shifting slightly toward her bed, but not moving far.

“Yeah, you told me that last time, and look where we are now.”

Ellie threw her arms up in angered defeat, letting them quickly fall and slap against her thighs with aggravation. “You don’t fuckin’ believe me? Don’t. I don’t care. But what was the point in coming here, then?”

“Because I wanted to hear it from your mouth,” Dina watched after her in disgust as she moved over to shift a piece of clothing in her hands, fidgeting and turned away from Dina as she continued. “I wanted you to tell me that you ran your big fucking mouth already.”

“Watch the way you talk to me,” Ellie turned, aggressive, finger pointed in Dina’s direction but never advancing forward. “You come to my fucking house, this late at night, with all your bullshit grievances that I have to listen to, and then you have the nerve to talk to me like _that?_ You’re out of your mind. Say what you have to say, and then get the fuck out.”

When Ellie turned away again, Dina felt the adrenaline from her fury nearly spring her up from her position and stand to face her. Her knuckles and fingertips were white from gripping the wooden armrest so hard. Her nose wrinkled and her jaw tightened; she paused before she spoke again.

“You told me you wouldn’t tell anyone and you did, anyway,” Dina affirmed her point, her teeth gritted and the words came out seething. “I put trust in you, you fucking asshole. I sat there and hoped that once, just this _once,_ you would give me a reason to respect you. And every single time, just like before, I’m left hanging by my neck. I’m done with it. I don’t know what your problem is with me, and I don’t know why you insist on hating me so much, but I need some kind of fucking explanation by the end of the night, because I can’t deal with this anymore.”

Ellie didn’t turn. She just remained silent, eyes glued to her comforter on her bed.

Dina stood, leaned forward, fury spewing from her mouth as she continued. “I’ve been nothing but nice to you over and over and over, I’ve tried reaching out to you and talking to you and every single time, you and your fucking attitude… You talk to me like shit. You _treat me_ like shit. It makes me can’t fucking stand you.”

“Then don’t!” She turned then, cutting her off, face twisted with anger. “Nobody’s making you do shit, Dina! _You_ tried to talk to me, _you_ tried to reach out, and _you’re_ the one coming to my door this late with _your_ problems. You every just thought about leaving me the fuck alone for a change? Or are you that fucking obsessed with me that you can’t take the hint and fuck off?”

Dina took a step forward, blood boiling and eyes spiked with complete, utter rage. It didn’t seem to disable Ellie, as she stood her ground, scowling at the slowly approaching girl.

Throwing an arm out to emphasize, she retorted in response. “Get the fuck over yourself. I’m nowhere near obsessed with you. I want nothing to do with you.”

“That makes two of us,” Ellie sneered, crossing her arms again and looking away with a black look across her face. “The only difference is that I didn’t come bothering you twelve different times after we hooked up.” Cocking her head to the side and squinting an eye, one arm fell and hit her thigh again. “Speaking of which, you’re bold to say you want nothing to do with me when you were tongue-deep in my mouth a couple nights ago.”

“I was drunk, I wasn’t thinking right,” Dina protested, losing her footing at the mention of her inability to resist Ellie the night of the party.

“Oh, so none of that meant anything, right?” Ellie challenged, eyes narrowed.

“No, it didn’t.”

Scoffing with disbelief, Ellie dared to keep stepping into chilly, dangerous waters. “So, you wouldn’t do it again if you had half the chance?”

“No.”

Ellie’s eyebrows shot up and her shoulders shrugged, following suit as she seemed to give up with a scornful chuckle. “Okay, whatever you say.”

“That isn’t… fucking relevant at all,” Dina tried to argue, but she was losing her ground with Ellie getting closer.

“If you couldn’t stand me so badly, you would never have done that.”

Her face grimaced in protest again. “Are you dense? I just told you I was fucking wasted. You could’ve been Jesse, for all I knew.”

“Oh, right,” Ellie’s amusement seemed to peak. “Your boy toy. I wonder what he would think if he found out you and I were all over each other right there in one of the bedrooms in his precious cabin.”

“Stop it,” Dina growled, Ellie taking another step.

“Oh, no,” Her tone was mocking and derisive, “What ever shall we do?” She put a hand against her face in the most taunting manner imaginable, her voice exaggerated and feigning innocence.

“Stop fucking talking,” Covering half her face with the palm of her hand and gripping her forehead with white fingertips, she felt her stress and anger coming to a fast build.

“Save it, Dina,” Her hand dropped, tone restored, disgusted and contempt. “You really hate me that badly? Then fucking leave.”

“I do hate you.”

Ellie laughed sardonically. “You can hate me all you want, but you and I both know what happened. And you can try, but you’re never gonna run from it. You can’t run from reality.”

“Watch me,” Dina challenged, almost childishly. _Shit, I’m trapped here._

Another laugh. Another crack in Dina’s composure. “I’d love to see it. Because no matter how much you try, you’ll never be able to run from the fact that you and I hooked up in that bedroom.”

_Fuck, you need to stop._ Dina’s jaw clenched even tighter, and her eyes adverted farther into the ground.

“That’s right,” Ellie was provoking her now. _I can’t play her game._ “You and I were up there, _all over each other,_ between each other’s legs.” Ellie was closer now. She tilted her head aggressively to try and meet Dina’s gaze. “You remember, don’t you?” 

When Dina’s frown only intensified, Ellie continued with a sadistic grin. It was like Dina’s discomfort was feeding her. Like she lived for it.

“Yeah, you remember.”

“Stop,” Dina demanded, voice shaky as she tried to avoid eye contact. _This is too much._

“Oh, what’s wrong?” Ellie’s arms came out to her sides again. “Can’t take the heat. You walked right into the fire, baby. You’re sitting here talking to me like I forgot how you _begged for me.”_

_“Stop,”_ Her voice was firmer now, more intense but clearly more full of panic than before. _I shouldn’t have come here._

She was getting even closer. “You can’t even look at me. You can’t even face me because you won’t bring yourself to remember how much you enjoyed how it felt when I was fucking you–”

Without thinking, Dina surged forward and threw her hands out, shoving Ellie, who had gotten impossibly close, backward, knocking her nearly over but she caught herself with a hand against the bed.

Coming down from the high of rage, she only saw Ellie looking at her with eyes wide and her lips parted in shock, brows furrowed into a disgusted scowl. Breathing heavily, Dina’s eyes were locked with green ones.

The same ones that had completely magnetized her the night of the party. The same ones that brought her onto Ellie’s lap and against her lips.

_God, I can’t stand you._

Stepping forward in a rush, a deep feeling of regret mixing with her feeling of resent and anger for the girl doing the moving for her.

“Shut the fuck up.”

She wasn’t thinking when her hands found the sides of Ellie’s face as she slammed their lips together.

The first kiss was long, hard, full of anger. Ellie’s lips barely responded. When Dina pulled away slowly, hands coming away from her face, it was for a mere second of air before Ellie grabbed her face much like she had moments prior and kissed her again, even harder.

Every last one of her sensible thoughts seemed to melt in front of her. Their kisses were fast, but hard enough to bruise the other’s lips. It was nothing but pure, wet heat between them with every break. Neither of them even got a chance to breathe before they were back together again, and again, and again.

“Just stop fucking talking,” Dina sighed out between rough, fast kisses. Hands desperately traveled from her face to auburn hair that was tucked back into her usual bun. One of Ellie’s hands had stayed put on her face while the other grabbed her waist, Dina nearly melting into the feeling of her strong hand gripping her urgently, warmth radiating through her thin, long-sleeved shirt.

Ellie was quick to turn them around, Dina’s legs hitting the back of the bed as their lips continued to press desperately against each other. The feeling of Ellie in front of her, touching her, around her – it was intoxicating.

With a hand to her chest, Ellie pushed her back and Dina let herself fall back onto the covers of the bed. It was seconds before Ellie’s face was hovering above hers, but she got no time to take it in before they were kissing again.

Each kiss was more heated than the last, and Dina’s mind was at a swirling standstill when a warm, wet tongue pushed its way into Dina’s mouth – which she accepted greedily with her own.

_Jesus Christ, what is happening?_ Dina’s mind was in a frenzy, but that didn’t stop her hands from finding Ellie’s abdomen and pressing eagerly through her thin shirt to feel the hard muscle beneath. The way Ellie’s hands were placed hard against the sides of her head made her heart soar.

_This is so wrong._ She knew it. She knew that simple fact. But she couldn’t bring herself to stop. _You know you wanted this._

_She’s infuriating._

She did know. No, she wouldn’t admit it. But when Ellie’s lips trailed down her jawline and left hot, open kisses to her neck – and when those same strong hands found the hem of her shirt to tug roughly on the fabric – Dina felt every shred of doubt fade away.

Much like the night of the party, her mind seemed to short-circuit and fade away to black when she felt Ellie climb on the bed and make her way between Dina’s legs.

Ellie’s words rang true. 

Dina couldn’t get enough.


	2. That Newly Added Calmness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two weeks after their heated confrontation in Ellie's home, Dina finds herself at odds after nights and nights of the same thing – the same uncontrollable urge they had for each other. The two girls are set to go out on patrol together that day, and are finally forced to interact with each other outside of their bedrooms. Dina struggles to make any peace with Ellie, and more importantly, she can't seem to make peace with herself as she fights to keep herself from caring about the girl she swore she hated the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> IMPORTANT NOTE: i've definitely been making it more of a point to write lately. i'm also expecting my next fic to be about a different pairing other than ellie and dina. i want to expand my fandoms list a bit, and move onto writing for more than just one couple. i'm eager to exploring my writing and i want to get into other pairings as well! just wanted to give my readers a heads up :)
> 
> in the end note, i put a link to my tumblr so you guys can keep updated with new fics to come, as well as content for some future pairings i want to write for. i post a lot of fandom reblogs and content, but i also update almost daily about what i'm writing, what i'm planning to write, and my inbox is always open to requests or ideas or comments about past fics i've written and future ones you might want to see, or that i've mentioned that i wanted to write. i'm also linking my twitter that i never use, but may start using soon. so if you wanna give that a follow for if/when i start using it, the handle is also in the end notes.
> 
> thank you to anyone who reads my stuff and keeps updated with my work. you guys keep me going through hard times and through life in general. the busier it gets the more stressful it gets, and i know i have an incredible following here and on tumblr to help me through it. i love all you guys, and thank you for reading!

The first thing that came to Dina’s mind when her eyes cracked open and sunlight poured through the window of her bedroom wasn’t about how she ended up there or what her day would be like.

It was the memory of the night before, when Ellie crawled over her and all of her lust busted through the seams, just as it had the night before that, and the night before that.

Oh, that, and the familiar soreness between her legs that had goosebumps rising on her skin as she remembered what it felt like to be fucked by Ellie.

Undoubtedly, there was a smile stitched in her lips – which were also, in fact, sore from when Ellie’s teeth caught those same lips in between them and tugged and pulled back. Dirty thoughts drowned her mind. She smelled of sweat and smut and her body was heavy with exhaustion and a dull satisfaction that felt sinful and exhilarating at the same time.

That same sinful satisfaction she’d been feeling for the past two weeks without pause.

Head against the pillows, her eyes were tightly glued to the ceiling, the sunlight that shone illuminating the side of her view, and everything just felt right.

Yet, so wrong.

Sitting up and grabbing at her head – taking note of how unusually disheveled and messy her was – she groaned while the thoughts continued to plague her mind like the most ill, most desirable disease. And there were now weeks worth of memories.

Ellie had pressed her down hard against the covers the night before. She had nearly ripped Dina’s clothes off, nearly ripped her own off. That didn’t go without Dina’s help. Dina swore the girl had a tongue of steel and a stamina that was completely unmatched to any lover she’d ever had.

When the drowsy thoughts brushed away, she shook her head hastily, sense and reason seeming to come over her once more. Her lustful haze seemed to vanish like fog in the evening sky, and her denial came back with her reason.

_It’s already been two weeks?_

It was true – it had been two weeks since their encounter in Ellie’s home. Two weeks of nearly every single night the two of them meeting up. And every one of those nights, they had the most exciting sex Dina had ever had, only to separate almost wordlessly as one of them left. 

_I’ve really caught myself in a web, haven’t I?_

Without an alibi and totally reasonless, she forced herself to her feet and quickly made her way to the dresser, suddenly eager to get out of those dirty, sullied clothes that she hadn’t even bothered to change upon coming back to her room the night before. She guessed that she’d been too exhausted and too blinded by the fulfillment to even care.

_That’s another night. Another to add to the list._ Dina sighed aloud as she yanked the mangled shirt over her head and tossed it on the dresser for a later washing. _And I was the one who was so insistent on never doing it again. How the fuck did I let myself do it again?_ The thought seemed to repeat in her mind like an endless, maddening old record that seemed to have a needle glued to it. She couldn’t stop it.

Reflecting on the time that passed between them, time they spent over the course of days, wasting away each night in the sheets exploring each other, Dina couldn’t help the shame that washed over her. Nothing that good felt good ever seemed to come without some kind of guilt for her.

With every night that passed that Ellie would make her way into Dina’s room – or Dina would find herself magnetized to Ellie’s door that quickly turned to Ellie’s bed – she seemed to grow less hateful toward her. 

No, of course she still didn’t like her. Not in the slightest. 

But some of the deep resent she held for seemed to lighten whenever Ellie pinned her down, and it would get fucked away into the night.

Sometimes, Dina thought she noticed a difference in Ellie’s behavior, too – sometimes she seemed less miserable and less angry whenever Dina was around. She usually found herself brushing those thoughts off whenever Ellie’s scowl would land on her, anyway.

It was so confusing. Infuriatingly confusing.

_Fuck, I have patrol with her today, too._ Dina had seemed to have one lucky blessing – rarely did she get scheduled with Ellie. Despite the two of them being Tommy and Maria’s best shooters, they never seemed to end up on the same patrol. Not even the group ones. It was a favor, she knew, but she would be lying if her mind didn’t wander off to thoughts of Ellie whenever she was out in the harsh snow with other people. The silence seemed to send the chilliest winds in her direction, all carrying those maddeningly gorgeous eyes with it.

Sighing heavily, she grabbed the heavy coat and vest she frequently wore on patrols and slipped her arms through the vest. Her long sleeved shirt was cozy and tight, and the vest only seemed to help her. Throwing the heavy coat over a shoulder, she made her way down the stairs to the small kitchen and living room.

Fixing herself a quick breakfast, she mentally prepared herself to face this undoubtedly tense and interesting journey she came to accept the reality that she was stuck with Ellie on a lengthy patrol, just the two of them alone, all day long.

And it wasn’t for sex or intimacy at all.

_God, this is gonna be awkward,_ Dina almost chuckled to herself at the actuality of the situation. They hadn’t talked much at all outside of their backdoor encounters. They were never seen with each other. Most times, if they passed by each other on the streets of Jackson, they didn’t even wish each other a hello. Sometimes, Dina was lucky to even get a look from her direction.

She shoveled her eggs and milk down quickly before grabbing her backpack by the stairs. With her coat and backpack over a strong shoulder, she slipped her feet into her boots and hastily tied them. 

A deep breath passed her lips before she opened and stepped out the door, slipping into a bout of anxiety she couldn’t seem to pull herself from as she headed for the gate.

•••

“Watch where you’re going, will you?”

Bumping headfirst into Ellie’s back when she turned her head prompted a scowl from the redhead in front of her. _Ah, Ellie._ That attitude was trademarked, of course, but Dina couldn’t tell if the playful undertones she picked up in that smooth voice were only imaginary or not. 

“Sorry,” Dina grumbled, shooting an annoyed look to the back of her head.

In her hands, she held Japan’s reins, Ellie holding Shimmer’s a few feet ahead.

_The Creek Trails,_ Dina’s usual route. She cursed Jesse and praised him all the same for sending them together.

She remembered her conversation with the boy – how he’d resented the fact that both Dina, his on-and-off-girlfriend, and Ellie, one of his best friends, seemed to hate each other continuously, for days and weeks and months. They could never get along, and Jesse hated it. And he never hid that face either.

_“You’ve gotta get to know her sometime, you know.”_

Dina would always sigh and roll her eyes. _“I’ll get to it.”_ She never seemed to carry through with that. Not until recently. And even then, they had no positive interaction outside of the sex they continued to have each night without pause.

“Let’s go, get a move on.”

Dina let herself fall behind from Ellie as they headed toward the gate to meet the boy in her thoughts. Since the party they still hadn’t spoken. Yet, thinking of Jesse seemed to restore some kind of normalcy to her frazzled mind – the same mind who only pictured the girl she hated the most on top of her, around her, in her bed, doing sinful things to her for weeks on end. _If only he knew._

_“Stop holding off,”_ He would scold her. _“Just try talking to her a little bit. Trust me, she’s not so bad once you get to know her.”_

_“I doubt that.”_

“Yeah, yeah, I got it,” Dina dismissed her as they walked forward, coming into view through the stable gates. Jesse’s eyes seemed to gravitate toward the two girls.

“Look who decided to join us,” Jesse’s disdain for Dina from their constant fights hidden under that blanket of playful amusement that he was so famous for. He smiled at them, Ellie’s face unchanging while Dina shot him a forced, awkward smile before her eyes averted to the snowy ground.

Two rifles in his hands, he slowly stepped toward the two girls, handing each of them one. “One for you,” Ellie took the rifle wordlessly. “And one for you,” He gave Dina an awkward little smile and she returned it with a curt nod.

Ellie seemed to catch on, giving a quick glance over in wonder before hastily turning away when Dina’s eyes traveled in her direction.

“Alright, you all know the drill,” Jesse stood in the center as the patrol members gathered around at the gate. “You run into anything you can’t handle, you come back.” He faced them all honestly, and Dina forgot how much of a leader Jesse continuously proved himself to be. “Be smart about it. Alright, get goin’.”

Ellie and Dina were among the first ones out. Riding on Japan, facing the Jackson woods, the mountains lined with snow and the spruce trees tipped with frost, away from the gate and everything she knew – it was like therapy to her. No words could describe how much she adored where she was, and finding solace in that place she called home.

Only this time, she wasn’t alone. She was being followed by the girl she couldn’t stand most in the world – the same exact girl she’d been fucking for nearly two weeks straight.

Dina’s mind was set to wander as the trees came overhead and all around. Ellie was a few horses behind, and still she managed to get lost in the realm around them as Dina’s mind sunk away into memory.

That was, until Ellie decided that for the first time ever, she would be the one to start a conversation.

“So, what’s with you and Jesse?”

The question radiated curiosity, but burned deep with a poisonous spite.

Ellie caught up to her with Shimmer, but Dina never let her get ahead. She wouldn’t let Ellie read her. Not this time, if she could help it.

“What’s it matter to you?” Dina meant for it to sound a little playful, but she feared it came across as scathing as it sounded. She hoped a side-glance would rectify it.

Ellie didn’t seem very fazed by the attitude. “Just wondering.”

“What makes me think I can trust you with it even if I told you?” Her challenge was fiery.

But, yet again, Ellie seemed unbothered. “Nothing, really,” She admitted shamelessly. “I wouldn’t trust me, either.” There was a notable pause before that same monotone voice continued from just feet behind her. “I don’t really give a shit if you tell me or not.”

Dina rolled her eyes and just brushed it off. She decided that was more than enough conversation for awhile. They never did seem to be good at those sorts of things.

They put some distance between them and the Jackson gates, heading hastily over snowy grounds and frozen streams to the old, fortified garage. She remembered her old friend and patrolmate Eugene recalling the tales of how he helped set the Creek Trails up with Tommy at the order of Maria. He never forgot to mention how he and Tommy set up the lookout and the lounge on the second floor – he also always mentioned how it was by his suggestion that they made the second floor so hard to get to, hidden behind a pallet and a wall with rope. She found herself always missing Eugene. He was hard to replace.

Reaching it about an hour later, they led their horses into the garage of the rusted building, Ellie moving into the old storage room and pulling open the lockers, as if to search for anything that had been left behind by the dozens off patrols Dina and Eugene had taken through here. Dina dismissed it and went to remove the pallet from the entrance under the stairs.

“Come on,” Dina called before crouching down and making her way through. She didn’t bother to wait for Ellie when she took the hanging rope in both of her hands and walked along the wall as she held tightly onto it.

Brushing herself off, she headed right for the logbook, writing their names and assuring that it was clear before making a move for the binoculars to scout the supermarket and the old office they were assigned to hit. Ellie seemed to go on her own, rummaging around the lounge room and the desk as Dina continued to look out.

“Woah, what’s this?” She called. “There’s a fucking bong up here.”

Dina was amused when she responded, but she had a good way of hiding it. “I knew you’d find that.”

“Do you have any on you?” Ellie asked after a brief pause. There was an irony in her voice that made Dina chuckle softly to herself and shake her head. Thankfully, Ellie didn’t hear it.

“No, I don’t.”

“Man, you really are useless,” Ellie grumbled, but Dina didn’t take it to heart.

They were silent again, the two of them just doing their own thing, a better vibe floating in the air as Ellie emerged from the door, briefly glancing at Dina with no real emotion behind green lenses. _Nothing new._ When Ellie reached for the binoculars Dina had set on the table and took a look for herself, Dina gathered her things and started heading for the door.

“Ready?” She asked, the tone from earlier dying down as she remembered it was Ellie who she was looking at from the doorframe, the taller girl facing away and admiring the view through the binoculars.

Promptly placing it down, she turned with the same scowling face. “Yeah.” _Hard to love a face like that._

The two girls found their way back onto their horses, and they took off through the opened tower, over some barbed wire, and back onto the snowy path leading down to the town.

Dina felt an overwhelming burden fall on her chest once more. She remembered how Ellie had brought up Jesse earlier – was it really that obvious that the two of them were at odds? Was it clear as day that their relationship had been falling apart for nearly a year and she found herself seeking out everyone but him?

Ellie, of all people, had to be the one to notice, too. Of course. The irony was metallic on her tongue, like the taste of blood sticking in her mouth. The mindless irony that the girl she’s been fucking for two weeks saw her awkward interaction with her on and off boyfriend of two years and even _asked her about it._

_God, what a fucking mess I’ve got myself in this time. Way to go, Dina. You’re doing great._

Despite how much she couldn’t stand her, there was a part of her that wanted to talk to Ellie about everything. Talk about Jesse and their issues. Talk about how confused she was. Talk about _it._ What _it_ was going on between them. 

Instead, she decided to talk about a totally different subject, but one that infuriated her all the same.

“How’s Cat?”

Ellie seemed taken back by the question. When Dina side-glanced, she saw a surprised look on Ellie’s face that seemed to quickly turn into a shy dismay at the name that passed so easily from Dina’s lips – though, Dina knew she had no idea what kind of burning trail it left behind.

“She’s fine, I guess?” Ellie’s tone was almost defensive. “I don’t know, why are you asking me?”

“Just wondering,” threw the dismissive attitude from earlier back at her.

Was Ellie surprised that Dina knew about them? Her reluctance to answer only seemed to incriminate her more.

Dina decided to give it another push. “You two seemed close, given how unbelievably gross you guys are when you’re all over each other at parties.”

It was the wrong choice of words – Ellie used it to her advantage. “Why? Jealous, freak?”

“Oh, no,” Dina was quick to dismiss it. Too quick. “I don’t give a flying fuck whose throat you decide to stick your tongue down in front of everyone at a party. Just grateful it isn’t me.”

“I don’t know,” Ellie’s voice was exaggerated and cocky. “Someone seems a little jealous.” It was a tease – she was beyond teasing. Her accusations sat like fire at the base of her stomach, and it only prompted her to react just as Ellie had wanted.

“I’m not,” She insisted, her tone catching in her throat. “I don’t care, like, at all. You need to hop off your high horse, your ego’s taking up the entire saddle.”

“Nah, I happen to like my horse,” Ellie patted Shimmer’s neck jokingly, purposely misinterpreting Dina’s words and causing another wave of irritation to flow freely through her. _God, what a smartass._

“Ha ha,” Her monotone voice seemed to spark a sneering laugh out of Ellie. “Forgive me for trying to make small talk on this painfully long trip I’m being forced to take with you.”

“Glad to know the misery is reciprocated.”

_You are so fucking infuriating._

“You know, all I asked was about Cat,” Dina shot back at her daring attitude. “I was trying to be nice.”

“God, you’re fucking nosy,” Ellie grumbled angrily to herself. “You wanna know so bad? She’s to me what Jesse is to you. An on and off joke of a relationship. But one I can’t seem to get myself out of.” There was a weirdly pained, sincere tone behind that sardonic voice and shitty attitude. Dina picked up on it right away, even if she knew that was the last thing Ellie wanted. “Maybe it’s the sex.” Dina grimaced but that seemed to be Ellie’s goal. She would be lying if there wasn’t just a twinge of resentment that sprouted from Ellie’s words. “Maybe I’ve convinced myself I won’t get any better. Who the fuck knows?”

Her uncaring attitude held so much truth behind it that Dina didn’t know how to respond. She knew that if she gave any hint that she understood her invisible disclosure with her, she’d put her walls back up and the subject would be dropped. If she tried to bring herself to comfort her in some weird, distasteful way, she’d get just about the same reaction.

Instead, she chose to relate to her. “Sounds just like me and Jesse,” She agreed, most of the spite and dryness having faded from her voice. But it was still firm, and she guessed that’s what prompted Ellie to keep going.

“I sure as hell don’t know,” She admitted, her tone shifting softly just as Dina’s had. But there was still that defense she kept, that unwillingness to reveal whatever she was actually feeling. She hid it all behind a cruel attitude and an emotionless scowl. “And I sure as hell don’t care, either. As far as I’m concerned, we can stick to fuckbuddies if she wants. Not like I’m a stranger to that concept.”

It almost seemed like she was taking a dig at her. Dina fought a wince at her sharp words, but she remained silent.

“Whatever,” Ellie dismissed. _As she always does._ “No point in even looking for anything more, anyway. She’s a fucking mess and so are you.”

_Gee, thanks._ Somehow, she managed to keep the words below the surface.

“It’s pointless.”

_What the fuck am I supposed to say to that?_

“Maybe it is,” Dina could only agree, purposely trying to hammer the nail deeper into the taller girl’s chest. It was wrong, but she wanted to hit her where it hurt.

“Yeah,” Ellie’s tone was sour and cross, and that cold attitude she’d given her was swiftly and unapologetically returned by her. “Something for you to think about, it seems.”

The words almost took her by surprise. She didn’t know why – this kind of disdain was all that seemed to fester in Ellie. “Why don’t you stay out of my business?”

A scoff of surprised amusement sounded from behind her, and it made her teeth grind with anger. “Sure, as soon as you stay out of mine.”

“All I did was ask a question,” Dina exasperatedly pressed.

“Next time keep it to yourself.”

“Oh, so you’re allowed to ask questions about my personal life, but the minute I ask one about yours, you turn all bitchy and give me a shit attitude?” Dina challenged, sounding much more scolding and motherly than anything. It didn’t seem to work on Ellie – it all seemed like one big game to her.

“What kind of answer did you give me when I asked?” Ellie’s eyebrow rose as Dina turned to glare at her, Japan leading the way as the two girls exchanged their aggression.

“I asked why it matters,” Dina reminded her, not helping her own case.

_“Oh,”_ Ellie’s voice was exaggerated and mocking. Dina wanted to punch her across the face. “And you wonder why? Maybe if you didn’t act like a bitch, I wouldn’t act like one back.”

“It doesn’t matter what I do, you’re always a bitch to me,” She reminded, sourly, turning back again to scowl off into the distance with Ellie behind her.

Another mocking laugh. “Aw, poor thing. Sorry you don’t know how to take what you dish out.”

The silence resumed over them again. They rarely had conversations outside of–

“You’re only nice to me when I invite you into my bed,” Dina’s smug response had Ellie rendered quiet. _There we go._

Regret set in pretty quickly after her retort hung heavily in the air. It was almost as if their little affair was completely off-limits to talk about – like it was entirely too taboo to ever bring up. They never spoke about it, never hinted at it, never even dared to breathe a word about it outside their homes. It was just something that they never, ever talked about.

Dina bringing it out into the open incited this awkward, heavy feeling that she knew pressed down on Ellie’s chest as much as it did hers. Ellie’s quick, witty, sarcastic rebounds were nowhere to be heard. It was just a weird silence for moments – moments that seemed like forever.

The stunned girl behind her finally brought herself to respond to the outlandish remark from Dina. “And the same way goes the other way around, so I don’t see your point.”

Relief flooded her. Relief and dread. She was absolutely terrified Ellie’s reaction would’ve been to explode, to completely rip her for bringing it up. But, much to her shock, she didn’t turn down the idea. She didn’t run from it like Dina thought she would’ve. It excited her to no end.

The fact that Ellie hadn’t been avoiding the subject, it spoke volumes. It made it clear that Ellie hadn’t run from it in her head, either, because if she had, her walls would’ve shot up and she would’ve hardly spoken to the shorter girl. She would’ve yelled at her, probably called her names, chastised her for bringing up a topic that didn’t need to be addressed. It wouldn’t have ended well, Dina knew that much. But it thrilled her to know that Ellie must’ve faced this concept a multitude of times before on her own, or else Dina knew her reaction would’ve been entirely different.

Dina was cold and almost shy. “Fair enough. I don’t intend on changing it, either.”

“Good.”

They reached the little street minutes later, having ridden through the trees silently before Ellie pointed out that they should check out some of the houses for anything past patrols might’ve missed. Dina assured her there wouldn’t be much, but Ellie was long convinced as she hopped off of Shimmer and her boots hit the snow.

Climbing up the rubble of houses that had once stood so neatly and peacefully – now completely tattered and broken like the world around them – Ellie found her way through multiple drawers, all the closets and cabinets, and even the underneaths of the furniture.

“Are you fucking looking for something in particular?” Dina, cross-armed, watched with annoyed amusement as the taller girl went digging through the houses, one where they found themselves in the open, caved in bedroom on the second floor.

Dina cursed her mind for taking extra notice and, consequently, extra interest than she normally would’ve in the messy bed next to them. And what was worse, had it not been for Ellie standing on the opposite end of the room from her, the bed in the middle of the room never would’ve even crossed her mind. But here they were.

“No,” Dina was unconvinced. “I’m not.” Ellie’s voice was cold and secluded, just as it was before, but the bitterness mixed within was still glazed over from their conversation earlier.

Ellie continued to rummage through the closet, tossing things aside carelessly as she stoically searched the whole thing. At one point, she moved a stack of coats on hangers off of the rack and tossed them down onto the floor.

“Please, be more gentle,” Dina’s sarcasm was acidic and garnered nothing but a side-glare from the girl facing away from her.

Finally, Ellie’s digging stopped and she lifted something that she lifted from a shelf in the closet. She examined it away from her face – a colorful card, from what Dina could see – before stuffing it into the side pocket in her bag.

“What was that?”

Dina’s curiosity sent Ellie into defense mode. _Jesus, is there anything that doesn’t piss this asshole off?_ “Nothing, mind your business.”

Stepping forward, Dina dared to find out, Ellie just watching her walk, squaring her shoulders as she got closer. Her scowl worsened and her eyes narrowed when Dina made direct eye contact with her, eyebrows raised as if she were demanding to know what it was. Ellie would never break that stubbornness to tell her, though, and Dina knew that. 

So, she did the next best thing. In a split second, she shot her arm out, grabbed the little card that was just nearing the surface of the slightly opened zipper, yanking her hand away once she got a hold of it. Ellie’s reaction was too little too late, as her attempt to turn and throw Dina away failed miserably.

Taking a look at the object in her hand, she was completely stunned by what she found. It made her break out in laughter.

In her hand sat a little card from what seemed to be some kind of comic book. It was a collector’s item, showing the picture of a character named “Tesseracter”. Flipping it over, she felt more waves of laughter coming over as she briefly skimmed the written stats and summary of the character on the backside.

“Would you give that back?” Ellie demanded, angrily ripping the card out of her hand and away from her, guarding it over a shoulder as her eyes burned into the shorter girl who was beyond amused at just what it was that Ellie had been looking for. And Dina swore, for the first time in nearly three months, she watched blood rush to Ellie’s face, and a little blush crossed her cheeks. It was adorable.

_“That’s_ what you were looking for?” Dina’s laughter began to subside as she chuckled out the question.

“I wasn’t _looking_ for anything,” Ellie’s flustered defense didn’t seem to counter well to Dina’s dominance in the situation. “It was just here, so I took it.”

“What, are you into these little superhero cards or something?” Crossing her arms, she leaned against the wall with an eyebrow arched, waiting for another amusing response from the redhead.

Ellie didn’t answer. She just stuffed the card back in the opening in the zipper, and made her way out of the hole in the broken wall, using her arm against the floor to jump down to the rubble and snow below.

Dina decided to push her luck a little further.

“Oh, come on,” She called after her, jumping down in a similar style as Ellie, watching her storm off for the horses. “Don’t be like that. I think it’s cute that you–”

“I don’t care,” Ellie spun around, cheeks still tinted from embarrassment and what Dina figured to be anger, on top of it. “Could you just leave me the fuck alone?”

Her joking tone seemed to cool down a bit. “Ellie, will you lighten the fuck up? I’m just teasing you.”

Ellie’s eyes narrowed and her head cocked with complete disdain. “Do you think we’re, like, friends or something?” When Dina was obviously caught by surprise, Ellie pressured her point. “Do you? I want to know.”

“I never said we were, I just–”

“The answer is no, we’re not,” The same nail that Dina had hammered deep into Ellie’s chest was just ripped out by the latter and stabbed through her own. “I want nothing to do with you. We’re stuck on this stupid fucking patrol together, and then after this, you have no other reason to talk to me. So don’t.”

Anger seemed to well up in the wound that throbbed in her chest. _Are we ever–_

“We’re not some little fucking duo like you like to think we are,” She shot at the shorter girl, who just stood there with a surprised, yet resentful look plastered across her face. “Typical you, though, getting way in over your head with people who couldn’t give a single shit about you.”

_We need to talk about it._ There was no dodging it anymore.

Ellie just continued to explode before her eyes. “Just do us both a favor and fuck off out of my life, alright? I never asked for you to be here and I don’t want you here.”

“Are we ever going to talk about it?”

The question seemed to halt every train of thought in Ellie’s mind. Her words caught in her throat and her lungs seemed to run out of air. The wind knocked out of her, an outraged face forming on that fair complexion.

“Talk about what?” Ellie asked, her tone different yet still stubborn. But she made it obvious that she knew exactly what Dina was referring to.

_“That,”_ Dina’s voice was strained, it almost sounded exhausted. “Us. What’s happened.”

For the first time, Ellie’s face seemed to contort and drop with emotion. Regret, wonder, anger, any and all emotions. She tried to swallow it, but it was the first time Dina was getting a real peak through those thick, tall walls Ellie kept herself surrounded by.

But like a spark on a flame, it was gone.

“No,” Ellie turned, the scowl reappearing as she went. Nothing else came from the girl. Dina didn’t know whether to be shocked and upset or completely and utterly infuriated.

“We’re gonna have to talk about it sometime,” Dina called after her, voice mixed with tones of anger and dejection.

Ellie didn’t turn around. “Sometime.”

The confrontation deflated Ellie’s anger, broke the tension like two hands snapping a weak stick. But instead of firing off even more at her, Ellie walked away. Quiet, cold. She just turned and walked off.

_Is that how you deal with things? You just walk away?_

Dina wanted to curse her out right there. On the spot. She wanted to unload all of the pent up rage and resentment she held for her. How badly she wanted to let her have it for all the awful things she’s said, for all the confusion she was causing her.

Confusion, that was the word. God, Dina was so confused. She wanted to scream at her until her lungs bore no more air, and her vocal cords ripped to shreds behind her throat. She wanted to let her fucking have it.

And yet, she still just followed her, wordlessly, back to the horses and watched the taller girl mount Shimmer and ride off further onto the path, without even once throwing a glance behind her to see if Dina was there.

•••

Ellie was always in her dreams those nights after the party. After the confrontation at her house. After all those stressful nights she spent in Ellie’s bed or her own, letting herself unwind in the most physical way she knew how – burying herself deep into Ellie, all of Ellie, her body, her heart, her soul. 

And still, she hated her. All of those nights they spent being as close as they could possibly be to each other, and she couldn’t even bring herself to figure out why. Why she hated her, why she was angry, why she let herself fall into this affair with Ellie.

Every night after she would go home, or every night after Ellie left her room and left her house, Dina was left there in a desolate, frenzied cavern of her own messy thoughts. She would spend hours just sitting there, thinking, enjoying the dull pleasure she felt between her legs – the soreness after Ellie was gone, reminding her that she was still there. Enjoying it, and hating herself every minute that she did.

She couldn’t help herself. The way Ellie’s body felt pressed up against hers, the warmth radiating through their clothes and their skin. When Ellie’s tongue found hers and she tasted the old beer and mint on her mouth, Dina’s mind would draw blanks, and every reason she had to dislike her vanished in front of her eyes.

_Am I really that desperate? What’s wrong with me?_

Grabbing two fistfuls of hair from the top of her head, Dina spent that same night after the patrol doing the same thing she did every night. Remembering, feeling, hating, wanting.

The two girls proceeded through the patrol, barely speaking a word to each other. She didn’t even know what to call the tension that silenced them. All she knew is the painful dissatisfaction she felt from leaving things with Ellie on the note that she did. 

She wanted nothing more than to find out what it was - what was going on between them, what it meant. Dina had managed to convince herself it meant nothing at all.

But why did she find herself seething at the thought of Cat that night? She remembered all of their words that were exchanged. She remembered what it felt like, riding that horse, pretending not to care. And, at the time, she really didn’t. So why was it different now?

Lying there, thinking about the pretty girl’s face, that smile, the cigarette she always had tucked between her teeth. It made Dina livid. She made her livid. 

_God damn infuriating._

Ellie had said herself. _“Maybe it’s the sex.”_

Those words rung in her mind like a bell in a tower, painful and sharp, ringing in her ears and making her teeth grit.

Just nights ago, Dina told herself how much she didn’t care. Ellie was just for sex. Their relationship was just for sex. That’s all Ellie was. Nothing more, nothing less. But still, Dina sat there, in complete disarray at the fact that Ellie had admitted to her and Cat fucking around.

It wasn’t like it was a secret. They were all over each other, all the time. At all those parties, Dina would just groan to herself when she saw Ellie press Cat up on the countertop, or when they were up against a wall or on the couch, making out and basically undressing in front of all the drunk, hazy eyes in the room that always seemed to be looking everywhere but at them.

Dina was always looking at them. Drunk and hazed, or not.

She would find herself disgusted, but she would move on and not care. She would find her other friends, or she’d find Jesse and copy their situation. Would press him up on the opposite wall, or against a door, or bring him into one of the rooms. She would fuck all of her problems away and try not to think about the two girls on the couch downstairs, hands all over each other as their lips met repeatedly for what felt like hours.

Dina wondered if Ellie ever got jealous. If she would stay awake at night, thinking about her and how she felt whenever she saw Dina with Jesse. Did Ellie think about her as much as Dina thought about her? Did she stupidly lie awake wondering what it would be like to be in Jesse’s shoes for a day?

She shook off the thoughts immediately. 

_Sex, remember? Just sex. She is just sex to you._

Still, there was a burning fire in the back of her mind, even as she fell asleep. Knowing her dreams would be about Ellie pressing her down on the bed and taking her late into the night, getting high off the pleasure and the heat between them both. She would dream about Ellie’s face between her legs, her toned body pressed against her own. Those skilled hands turning her to a muddied pile of screams and moans. But there was still that fire.

The smoke of that fire clouded her mind, and all she could wonder about is whether or not Ellie was picturing her or Cat in her bed that night. Even as her eyes shut, all she could see was the other girl’s face. She fell into a restless sleep, with nothing but hatred flowing through her.

That smoke fogged every gorge of her thoughts, muddying the picture, and suddenly, Dina no longer knew who she hated more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading. more excitement, confrontation, and smut to come in future chapters.
> 
> i would totally appreciate you guys following my tumblr @lmontyy or lmontyy.tumblr.com to keep updated with past/future fics. as i mentioned in the beginning note, i post a lot of stuff on there and it helps my readers stay updated on my work.
> 
> also, here's my twitter handle for anyone who may want to follow my pretty dead twitter account that i haven't used in nearly a year. i'm considering posting on it again for fandom content but more specifically, for writing. it's @l_montyy or https://twitter.com/l_montyy.
> 
> again, thank you so much for reading! comments are definitely welcomed. i wanna hear all your thoughts!
> 
> with love, monty


	3. In All Your Time Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie forces Dina to confront one of her biggest, silent dilemmas. After Dina shies away from it and completely shuts Ellie out, it leads to another spell of silence and things tense once again between the two of them. Dina starts to realize that fighting is becoming exhausting, and she makes a vital mistake that opens her eyes to the reality of her relationship with Ellie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all!
> 
> welcome to chapter 3!
> 
> hope you enjoy this shit storm of a chapter. sorry for the wait!
> 
> WARNING: EXTREME SEXUAL TENSION AND SMUT!
> 
> also, there is light jesse/dina in this but i promise its for a good reason

_Knock, knock, knock._

That sound became routine. Every night, she expected it. For weeks, she’d heard it. There was nothing like it.

Every single time she heard Ellie’s fist rapping against her door, her heart would leap into her throat. Every one of her nerves would light, and the smoke traveled up into her brain to fog her thoughts. 

And just like that, whatever Dina was doing, she would drop it and rush for the door.

Behind that door, she would find the taller girl standing there, usually leaning up on the frame or the wall. Most times, she’d come directly from a patrol, while other times she’d show up a product of a lazy day off. Although, those were usually few and far between. Ellie always seemed to have a busier schedule than most at Jackson. So, Dina was almost always a stress relief for her after a long day.

Dina was more than okay with that.

It never took very long to start. And this time was no different.

Opening the door with a racing heart and shaky hand, Ellie was standing there in her ragged clothes, the same bun tied back, clad in a marked black hoodie underneath her buttoned winter coat. Regardless of her muddy appearance, Dina found every instinct in her body moving into overdrive, every part of her body gravitated toward her. In some weird way, the rough appearance she showed up in almost attracted Dina more.

There were no words exchanged, Ellie had just started to walk in before Dina pulled her in by the wrist. Slamming the door and pressing Ellie back up against it, the redhead had hardly any time to process anything before Dina’s lips were hard on hers.

They never wasted time. Dina never allowed it.

When she felt Ellie’s lips pushing back on her own, Dina felt a wave of dizziness nearly knock the wind from her lungs. And when Ellie’s hands made their way to the small of her back and grazed down over her hips, her mind nearly short-circuited.

Dina’s hands were quick to fly from Ellie’s face to the buttons on her coat. Prying them open eagerly, Dina was quick to help Ellie pull her arms smoothly out of the jacket, throwing it somewhere in the space around the door before the two of them started to travel toward the couch.

Her heart pumped hard enough that she could hear it in her ears. There was no way to describe just how much Ellie excited her.

Within moments, Dina’s backside pressed up on the arm of the couch as they continued to ravage each other, she found her partner throwing her hoodie up and over her head, leaving her clad in a loose, beige shirt that was buttoned open at the top hem. It showed off delicious collarbones and a strong neck that had Dina absolutely gushing.

Letting her lips travel downward, Ellie let her head lull to the side slightly as Dina, despite being leant back against the couch arm, took the reins for a while, basking in the feeling of watching Ellie slowly losing herself in the warmth that settled on her neck from Dina’s lips and tongue.

Her small triumph didn’t last long. Ellie’s lips were back on hers no more than a minute later, far fiercer than before. The hunger behind those darkened eyes had Dina’s head spinning. Especially with the way that they looked at her before they dove into get a taste of her neck this time.

Ellie’s mouth against the soft skin of her neck was one of the only feelings Dina knew that could make her mind stop short. She bit back a deep groan at the electricity that shot throughout her body, her hands traveling down slowly and making their way into the back pockets of Ellie’s jeans and tugging downward.

The rest of their clothing peeled off one by one – Ellie’s shirt was the first to go as Dina was undeniably eager to find the usual gift that awaited her underneath. Soon after, Dina’s long-sleeved shirt joined Ellie’s somewhere, lost in the living room and completely out of mind.

Long fingers picked away skillfully at the clasp on Dina’s bra. With a snap, it fell off around her shoulders, Dina unable to suppress the smirk that stitched its way across swollen lips as she removed it from her body entirely, letting it fall out of her hands and onto the couch after they became preoccupied feeling their way up Ellie’s chest.

It only became harder to keep her hunger at bay. Ellie’s lips were so terribly addicting, and the way they felt making their rounds down Dina’s entire torso was just too much for her in that moment. When a skilled tongue brushed up against a hardened peak, Dina’s head rolled back and fingers grasped tighter in red hair.

Ellie seemed to grow impatient in their location. Taking a hold of Dina’s thighs, she hooked her arms underneath her knees and with a heave, lifted her up right against Ellie’s body almost effortlessly. It took no time at all for thin legs to wrap eagerly around a taut abdomen.

Stumbling up the rickety steps of Dina’s small home, Ellie found Dina’s bedroom almost instinctually. She’d repeated the process enough times that her feet just seemed to know where to go.

Tossing her down on the bed, Ellie wasted no time crawling over the shorter girl, Dina welcoming the sight and the hungry pair of lips with her own, using her hands against Ellie’s fair cheeks to bring her down hard, connecting their mouths in a dizzying strand of kisses that had her head spinning in circles around her.

Finally seeing an opportunity, Dina ridded Ellie of a white sports bra and took in the lovely sight of the topless girl above her. The way small breasts hung gently over her, the firm ridges splayed underneath. It was a sight that Dina had seen one too many times then she was supposed to, but still, she couldn’t seem to get enough of it. Every time she saw Ellie undress, it was like she was taking a long drag of an old cigarette. She knew that she shouldn’t want it, shouldn’t keep doing it. But the toxic addiction just continued to fuel her, keeping her trapped in her mind of sin and disparity from reality.

Dina’s fingers found the button to Ellie’s jeans, but she wasn’t able to get far before two strong hands came flying down, capturing her by the wrists, and slamming her hands down against the soft sheets of the bed. It sent a chill down her spine, a jolt to her core.

_God, I love it when you slam me down like that._

Dina, of course, would never admit it out loud, but whenever Ellie took rough control, she would feel her confidence stripping away like an axe against wood.

Everything felt so hot. Outside, frost crusted over the edges of the windowsills and stained the glass a misty silver. A cool draft dripped in around the wood, and Dina knew the chill was there. But when Ellie’s knee pressed up between her thighs and that hot, wet breath tickled against her neck, it was completely forgotten. It could’ve been summer for all she knew – there was no difference with Ellie’s warm body between hers.

A harsh inhale sounded as Ellie’s teeth found the gentle skin of her collarbone. As her hands released the smaller girl’s wrists to move down her body, Dina’s hands shot right down to Ellie’s back, nails digging in as perfect teeth roughly tugged the gentle skin on her chest.

She couldn’t stand Ellie. She knew that. Everything about her infuriated her but God, she was so driven by her. Every part of her wanted her. 

She hated her so much but she wanted her so badly.

She didn’t bother to think about it anymore when she pulled Ellie’s face away from her skin and tugged her roughly back down against her lips.

Slipping out of the rest of their clothing – save for Ellie’s jeans – the pressure continued to build beyond return. There was no stopping it anymore, just like it went every other night the two of them met.

Nearly three weeks of the same resentment and anger building into this explosion of passion and purely driven desire seemed to never get old. Seeing Ellie tracking her lips down her body, tracing over every birth mark and freckle like her body was a map to explore, it rendered Dina a moaning, lustful mess. 

A hand buried deep in Ellie’s hair seemed to guide her further to where she needed the redhead the most. That mess of hair that Dina had made would find its way between her legs, just as she’d encouraged, before licking and kissing her way up the soft skin of her thigh, and Dina would get high off the sight.

Warmth would build deeply in her core, revving her up and having her hips buck at the pure desperation she would feel. This time, the suspense seemed to coil tightly in her stomach to the point where she was whining as Ellie took her time ravaging her body.

When Ellie looked back up, green eyes meeting deep brown in the most intense gaze Dina had ever experienced, Dina was entirely entranced. She forcibly ripped her eyes away when her head flew back as Ellie’s mouth connected with her core.

_“Ah!”_ She couldn’t keep the harsh sound from escaping, followed by a deep groan when Ellie’s tongue brushed on a swollen bud that had her dizzy with pleasure. The previous moments of tension and suspense seemed to completely disappear in the foreground, lost in the fog of desire that swept Dina and clung wetly to her freckled skin.

Electric shocks seemed to shoot up her body. Stars began to cloud the edges of her vision. She held Ellie’s hair for dear life, her legs thrown over Ellie’s shoulders and tightening slowly but surely with each passing second of pleasure. The view of Ellie’s face between her thighs combined with the feeling of Ellie’s hot, wet mouth against her was ethereal – it had her breaching the gates of heaven as her back arched off of the bed in a way she’d never seen it before.

It wasn’t long until she felt the spring coiling up – that sweet release cracking through the thick walls of the dam. It was becoming too much too quickly. And she knew that Ellie knew because the girl went out of her way to slam her shaking legs down around her head, wrapping her arms around her thighs to keep them in place while strong hands gripped her hips tightly.

One of the hands placed against her hip bones trailed down, and while her talented mouth toyed against her clit, two fingers slowly, _agonizingly_ dragged upward through soaked folds, teasing her in the worst and best way she knew how.

Throwing her head back again, Dina gritted her teeth from the shiver that spiked her body at the motion. _“Fuck…”_

Ellie seemed to enjoy the reaction. Dina felt the smirk form on those cocky lips as she continued to hungrily drink her in, pressing her two fingers against Dina’s entrance in a harrowing attempt to drive her desperation further. Much to Dina’s resistance, her body seemed to betray her as her hips bucked up into her fingers.

As much as she loved to tease, Ellie didn’t waste much time that night. The exhilarating pressure she felt as Ellie eased her fingers in nearly broke her.

Mouth still working against her clit and fingers slowly moving in and out as Dina adjusted to the girl’s rhythm, Ellie only seemed to get more determined to finish Dina off. Dina’s legs began to wrap tighter, still held by a strong hand to keep her in place.

Sounds began to uncontrollably fall from plump lips as Ellie’s paced picked up. Curses and groans and harsh breaths only got more and more frequent as Ellie fucked her. The pressure threatened to break through the floodgates, Dina reaching her peak as her fingers tightened in Ellie’s hair.

_“Fuck, Ellie!”_ She couldn’t keep the girl’s name from slipping out of her mouth. She always tried to fight it – she hated giving her the satisfaction of knowing how much she enjoyed it. But every time she failed, Ellie would smirk and grin with such a shit-eating confidence from hearing Dina say her name in her high of pleasure.

With a heaving breath, she felt all of the warmth build and explode before her eyes, her entire body freezing up as her legs shook, the pleasure raking her ripping a strained, broken yell from the back of her throat as her orgasm swept her.

Ellie kept up her pace until Dina’s legs began to shake, and she started breathing heavily again, the high slowly coming down as Ellie eased her movements, her fingers curling inside her to ride the rest of the girl’s climax out while she could. Dina grabbed Ellie’s hair tightly again, another hand coming back up and above her head to grip the sheets as a satisfied exhaustion replaced the fragile feeling of her high.

What felt like merely minutes of intense passion had resulted in nearly an hour of delving into their strongest feelings, leaving both of them panting and sweating and completely limp against the sheets of Dina’s bed. Just like it always went.

There was nothing unfamiliar about it, and Dina was ashamed to admit she didn’t hate it. Even as much as she hated the girl on the bed with her, she didn’t hate the feeling of her company.

After a few moments of listening to one another breathing heavily and slowly coming down from the lustful haze, Dina felt the sheets rustle beneath her body, looking carefully as the taller girl brought herself slowly to her feet. Completely soaked in sweat and naked from the waistline up, Dina watched as Ellie’s hands moved to the clasp of her belt, pulling it off in one tug. Turned away from her, she placed the belt on the handle of the armchair next to the dresser in her room.

“What are you doing?” Dina asked, a passive-aggressive wonder glued to her words.

Ellie turned, an eyebrow arched and a confused look crossed her features. “I’m… taking my belt off?”

A leap of Dina’s heart had her words coming out quicker than she anticipated. “Why?”

Ellie was silent for a moment, but then seemed to chuckle bemusedly. “I’m… just really tired? I didn’t think you’d mind if I hung around…”

Panic set in on her. _Hung around? Like, stay the night?_

The thought was so taboo that it had Dina’s heart racing at the idea. It was a boundary they hadn’t crossed – a line that remained boldly drawn in the sand, keeping the two of them far apart. And Ellie had just taken a toe-step over it. 

Or, rather, stuck her entire foot over the line.

For weeks, the two girls had made it a point to completely indulge themselves and let loose on each other. Their relationship was nowhere near romantic, nowhere near friendly. It was entirely carnal – in fact, they despised each other so much that they didn’t know any other way to release their tension.

They never talked about it. They never brought it up, never asked questions. It was just something they didn’t do. They met up after their shifts, fucked, and left.

And here Ellie was, putting her belt comfortably on the armrest, anticipating to slide into the bed next to her and it was absolutely overwhelming. It was too much for Dina’s mind to handle.

“You want to stay here?” Dina asked, looking for clarification but her voice gave her away completely. It was shaky, full of nervousness and bewilderment. She was too obviously off-put by the idea, and she watched Ellie’s face almost retreat.

“Well, yeah…” The slight, usual attitude seemed to pick back up. “Why, is that a problem or something?”

Dina felt that familiar sting of resentment pricking her side like a thorn. “Last I checked, this wasn’t your house.”

“Okay, and I thought maybe by now it wouldn’t be so bad if we just slept one night together,” Ellie scoffed in return. “You know I’ve been working my ass off all day. I was working on the roof of the church sine dawn. I didn’t think you’d care so much, given the circumstances.” Ellie’s tone was sour. It stung.

“I really don’t see how that’s my problem,” Dina shot back, her words even pulling at her own heart. Why did she feel bad? “It’s kind of bold of you to assume just because you come here to fuck me and run every night you think it’s just okay to settle in.” Sarcasm poisoned her words. “Yeah, sure, Ellie, come on in! Take a load off. Why don’t you help yourself to some food while you’re at it? Oh, better yet! How ‘bout you just move in?”

A scowl grew on the taller girl’s face. “Forget it.”

She turned back to get her belt and slipped it back through the loops.

“You’re out of your fucking mind if you think I’m ever doing this with you again,” Ellie added, her voice completely tattered with rage. “All this time together and you’re throwing me out into the snow after all the work I did today? Fuck that, I’m done with you.” Her words pierced Dina’s chest, and she hated to admit it. “And I fucking mean it this time.”

Dina’s heart felt bruised and a wave of guilt washed over her. She tried her best to swallow it, but a remorseful frown replaced the glare burning into Ellie’s back.

Throwing the belt over her shoulder, she started for the bedroom door. Agitation was written all over her face. Her eyes were dark with the same hate she always had for Dina. She could spot it from a mile away.

“You really thought I was just gonna let you sleep in my bed or something?” Dina pressed, knowing better to keep her mouth shut, but her words seemed to function on their own. Her tone seemed to shift ever so slightly from resentful to genuine, guilty curiosity. 

Ellie stopped at the doorway, pausing and putting a hand on the frame. She looked down at the ground before gripping the wood of the doorframe hard between her fingers.

“Stupid me, I guess,” She scoffed in response before making her way out of the room and down the hall without another word.

Dina heard the girl walk around, presumably to pick her clothes up off the ground. No more than a minute later, she heard the girl slip on her heavy boots and stomp her way out the door and closing it with force. Dina winced when she heard the slam echo in the house.

Sighing and placing a hand against her forehead from exhaustion and disdain at the situation, she cursed silently as she fell back down against the covers. Eyes up at the ceiling, she sat there with nothing but remorse stinging at her, that thorn digging deeper into her side as the image of Ellie’s hopeful, stubborn eyes turning icy and resentful seemed glued into her brain.

It was such a quick interaction, but there was so much charged tension between them all the time. Dina wished there was some way they could fix that. But then again, she knew her distance with Ellie was necessary, and she fully intended on keeping the girl as far away from her as possible.

_Ellie? Staying the night in my bed? What is she, high?_ Dina shook off the thought, completely stunned at the fact that she even asked. But the doubt always came, even when she felt sure of her stance.

_Maybe I shouldn’t have… It would’ve just been one night._ Dina knew she was exhausted. But the panic drove deep into her head at the idea that Ellie would’ve fallen asleep next to her, in her own bed, covered in her own sheets.

She absolutely hated how she knew deep-down she secretly would’ve liked the feeling of having Ellie there.

She was terrified that she would like it a little too much.

Shaking her head and moving herself back onto the pillows, Dina’s head nuzzled into the fabric and her eyes looked sadly down at the covers, mind lost in thought. She hated herself for picturing Ellie there with her. Her mind seemed to be obsessed with the idea as soon as it was introduced to it.

And as much as she couldn’t stand her, she couldn’t help but wonder what it would’ve been like to just fall asleep with Ellie there with her. Suddenly, she was glad she sent Ellie away because just the thought had a smile shamefully growing on Dina’s lips. 

She closed her eyes for the night and drifted off with the same image stuck in her head and the same smile glued to her face and she fucking hated herself for it.

•••

An entire day came and went before Dina saw Ellie again. 

The night before passed by overhead in what felt like long, agonizing hours. Dina kept herself up for hours into the early morning, downstairs on the couch with a book and the TV on, throwing glances to the big window over the loveseat, waiting for the routine knock that would sound every night – the same one that would make her heart leap as she rushed to the door to greet Ellie, pulling her in for that same searing kiss they always shared.

But the knock never came that night.

Eventually, she found it in herself to give up. It had taken until nearly one in the morning before she finally put the book down with a heavy sigh and placed it on the coffee table, making her way upstairs with more disappointment in her step than she wanted to admit.

And before she knew it, the sun rolled around again, peeking over the edges of the mountains and lighting the tips of the trees like a lighter on candles before Dina finally shut her eyes and let sleep take her.

She was exhausted getting up to the sound of the alarm that morning. It took her longer than usual to get ready – training was the last thing she cared about in such a state of fatigue from just hours of restless sleep. 

And worst of all, she knew Ellie would be there.

Every step she took through the snowy Jackson roads toward the training building seemed to get heavier and harder to take. She wanted to turn back, blow off training, hide in her room and wait for Tommy to come find her after to find out what happened. A collection of excuses came to mind, all of them listing one by one, yet none of them seemed to be sufficient enough.

She would’ve done just about anything to get out of seeing Ellie at training.

The building came into sight. It was closer to the west end of Jackson – an old expo center that Maria had expertly turned into a training and maintenance building with the help of many skillful hands around Jackson years ago. They had discovered it had also been a shoe factory many years before it became a community center, but Maria and Tommy had completely transformed it.

Opening the side door into the rear of the building, she passed through the small office spaces until she reached the main, open floor, riddled with younger residents such as herself, all of them preparing for the session and talking to friends.

When she saw Ellie, it filled her with dread. The girl didn’t even have to look her way to have a grip on Dina. And even worse, she was talking to Jesse up on the wall, chuckling and jesting with tired, cold eyes.

Dina quickly made her way to the other side of the room, throwing off her jacket and hanging it up, leaving her clad in one of her usual tank tops that she used to sleep and train in. The room seemed to shrink around her as she disposed of the garment and removed her boots, replacing tight jeans with a pair of shorts that rested along her upper thighs. 

She didn’t dare bring herself to look in Ellie’s direction. Especially not after she’d accidentally peaked to find the girl in a sleeveless muscle shirt and shorts that ended around her knee.

Nearly biting her lip to restrain herself, she forced her eyes to pry away and she headed to the opposite side of the room to avoid any quick words from the taller girl on the wall. Luckily for her, Tommy happened to walk in just in time as Ellie’s eyes locked onto Dina’s body. 

But when Dina glanced over, she wasn’t met with the usual dismissive hatred – she was met with an angry hunger that completely threw her off-guard.

It was a quick movement of her eyes, but Dina saw it right away. Ellie’s normally stoic, fair green eyes were dark and twisted as her eyes shot up soft thighs, and the light outline of Dina’s abdomen through her tank top, and her chest and collarbones. Her trail ended right into those daring dark eyes before turning away as quickly as they’d found her. 

Heat traveled through her body much faster than she wanted to admit, but fuck, did that look shoot right to her core.

“Alright, y’all,” Maria’s voice sounded from the middle of the floor. “Settle on in this way.”

All of the young members separated from their groups and attentions as they gathered around the intimidating woman calling from the middle of the room. It was sometimes hard to believe that Maria was Ellie’s adoptive aunt, but whenever her temper flared, she saw it entirely.

“Alright, we’re gonna be running some combat drills,” Maria tucked her clipboard under her arm, holding it there with the same hand. “Tommy’s gonna be running the show for the most part, but I’m gonna be working and helping out. I reckon you all know what to expect from him.” She pointed the clipboard to the opposite end of the room where there sat cones, fake, wood carved pistols – thanks to Joel and a few of the other handy older men from around the community – as well as training mats. “You’ll be needing those.”

Tommy then stepped in, coming through the members and interrupting smoothly. “We’re gonna be doing some running drills, stealth, gun training, and hand to hand. I’ve seen most of you fight. Some of you are pretty damn good. Others could use some work. I’m putting y’all where I see fit. Some of you will do a little bit of everything,” He turned to the group with a calm gaze. “Any questions?”

When no one responded, Maria curtly nodded. “Listen to Tommy. He’ll be checking in with each group and training one on one. You’ll all be free to go at his discretion. For now, here’s what I’ve got.”

Taking a look at the clipboard, she announced each names as they pertained to each group. She didn’t pay much attention to most of the names – she was too worried about her own name and whose name would be next to it. She was too concerned with where Ellie’s name was, too, to be worrying about everyone else.

She’d only caught Jesse and Hunter’s names aside from her own and the girl in question. The two boys were to head over to the stealth training, while–

“Dina, you’ll be joining the group at the running and quick combat…” 

Relieved, she made her way over to the side, where she saw a decent group of people she knew – one of her better friends, Alissa, standing there with a smile – and she felt hope dawn on her once more. But it didn’t last very long, as hope normally does.

“And Ellie… where to put you,” Maria’s tone seemed to turn lighter than it was. “You can really go anywhere. But for today, I’ll set you up with running and combat, too.”

_Of course. God fucking forbid I catch one break._

Ellie seemed satisfied as she turned to join the set, not daring to shoot Dina so much as a glance when she stood beside her group-mates. Her eyes stayed glued in front of her, even while Dina’s resentful eyes burnt into the skin of her face as she came closer.

_I can’t fucking stand you._

All of the guilt and the remorse seemed to drip away. And when Ellie came close, it dumped out like a bucket into the ocean. Seeing her made Dina angry and spiteful and brought out every bad trait she’d ever had _._

Ellie was a master at bringing out the worst in Dina.

It didn’t take much explaining. Tommy set up the cones and the barriers. He instructed the group to perform a simple task – keep your head ducked under the barriers and slowly make your way to an opponent at the end of the small course, and engage a fight. Whoever came out victorious would be able to sit back and watch the rest of the participants.

Two Jackson members, Leesa and Nixon, were up first. Nixon was standing at the end of the course, below the barrier line, as Leesa strategically and silently made her way to Nixon’s location. Dina and the rest of the group watched intently as Leesa sprung from behind the barrier, having heard Nixon brushing up against the opposite side of the barrier, and took him down to the ground in an easy lunge and tackle. The two struggled for a time, but Nixon came out victorious – just barely – after getting Leesa in an unlucky chokehold resulting in her “death.” Nixon was dismissed to the sideline while Leesa begrudgingly made her way back to the rest of the group.

More and more members went, leaving the number of people in the group becoming more scarce, and finally Ellie’s name was called before hers.

At the end of the course, one of the strongest of the group, Jimmy, waited for the smaller girl. But, of course, Ellie showed no fear or hesitation as she quickly crouched beneath the barrier and quickly, silently made her way along the outline of the course.

If there was one thing in the world Dina could give Ellie credit for, it was her undeniable skill in combat and stealth. She was always on her toes – she could be as silent as a mouse but as fierce as a bull. She was a force to be reckoned with when you came head-to-head with her, even against the strongest or biggest opponents, both in training and out in real fights. And this time, it was no different.

Dina watched in awe as Ellie completely outmatched Jimmy, throwing him off time and time again with the skillful strategy of distraction. She would scratch or rub along the hard barrier, the smallest sound grabbing Jimmy’s full attention before she was racing off to an adjacent wall and staying close behind it. And finally, when the time was right, she struck.

Taking Jimmy in a headlock, he hit the ground in no more than a second, knocking the air from his lungs as Ellie landed him hard against the mats, holding his neck down as she moved to straddle his hips and take him out in moments of a confrontation.

Shamefully, Dina felt an undeniable heat building in the pit of her stomach watching Ellie easily overpower one of the strongest men in their training group. 

Jimmy’s hands shot straight for Ellie’s neck in return, pushing to get the upper hand on the girl that had him pinned by his neck already. But after tense moments of fighting against her, he successfully reached her throat and pushed her off of him, throwing her back to the ground just a few feet away where she grabbed at her own neck in surprise. When her long fingers touched on the skin, she winced.

Quickly picking herself back up, Ellie was quick to assume a fighting stance as Jimmy mercilessly advanced toward her, aiming to take her down by the waist and succeeding as he practically threw himself into her, hugging her around the waist as she went down and keeping her dazed and pinned.

A kick to the shoulder had Jimmy off of her quickly, giving Ellie room to gain the upper hand, but she used the few seconds to catch her breath and get back to her feet before she was landing another kick into the side of the boy’s head as he bent over, clutching his shoulder.

He went down right after, and Ellie ended up with a knee to his back and her hands pressing his head hard into the soft mat. Trying desperately to reach behind him to get her off, he quickly realized it was impossible to escape Ellie’s iron grip, and he immediately tapped out on the ground.

Getting to his feet, Tommy raced over in the next second to the boy who was painfully clutching his shoulder, which was turning black and blue at an alarming rate.

“Jesus, Ellie,” Tommy scolded as he took a closer look at it, Jimmy’s ripped muscle shirt giving him plenty of room to examine the damage. “You’re only supposed to train, not kill your comrades.”

Ellie didn’t say anything, only muttered a sorry under her breath as she tilted her head to get a better look at the injury.

Maria was next to hurry over, taking a few good looks at the shoulder before sighing deeply. She’d ruled it to be dislocated, and ordered Jimmy to immediately head to the back so that she could help wrap and treat it. Tommy went to help while ordering Ellie to stay put and serve as the next defender.

And that’s when Tommy said Dina’s name next as he hurried off with Maria and Jimmy leaning on his side.

_God fucking damn it all._

There was no way she could win – she had already known that. She’d accepted it long before she got to a crouch and hid carefully behind a distant barrier. When she saw Ellie’s head disappear over the barriers as she followed suit, Dina knew it was hopeless.

But there was absolutely no way she was going down without a fight.

Skillfully maneuvering her way through the barriers, Dina could hardly pinpoint where Ellie was. The thought of Ellie coming up behind her and taking her down in a headlock like she’d observe her do with Jimmy had Dina’s heart racing. Though, she didn’t know if it was from fear and anxiety or from other forces at work in her mind and body.

A small scratching sound came from one of the barriers no more than a few feet away, but Dina was all too familiar with Ellie’s technique. She narrowly avoided it, going in the opposite direction in hopes to cut her off.

Another sound from a nearby spot relative to the first noise. Little did Ellie know, Dina was well aware of her little game, and she took great satisfaction in knowing she was outsmarting the taller girl by a long shot as she zeroed in on Ellie’s location.

She ended up making her way around the barriers and getting a look at Ellie’s back, hand pressed up on the wall as she peeked around the side of the barrier she was hidden behind, completely oblivious to Dina’s incredible advantage.

Moving with as much silence as she possibly could, Dina was mere inches away from Ellie’s back as she moved closer. And just when she was going to go in for the takedown, Ellie’s face spun around and met directly with Dina’s.

Completely taken off-guard, Dina hesitated – a fatal mistake – and before another thought could process through her mind, Ellie’s body slammed into hers, knocking the wind from her lungs as she hit the ground with a shocked sigh. Ellie wasted no time moving over her, and reaching for her neck for a quick knockout, but Dina was quicker than that.

Her hands grabbed strong wrists, taking Ellie by the slightest moment of surprise and giving Dina the upper hand to spin them around, straddling a taut waist and pushing her down by the shoulders. Sputtering, Ellie struggled to regain control of the situation, and the same look of hate that Dina knew so well formed on that fair complexion, scrunching her face in a scowl so deadly that it nearly weakened Dina’s grip.

Something about it was so electrifying and Dina absolutely hated it.

“Fuck you,” A strained curse pushed past gritted teeth as Dina’s hands found Ellie’s neck and pushed down heavily.

The words didn’t shake Dina’s force, only prompted her to impulsively push harder. But in a sudden surge of strength, all of Ellie’s resistance built into a powerful push forward, fighting against Dina’s hands as she slowly lifted her upper body off of the floor.

Panicked, Dina tried to push even harder, but Ellie’s strength countered hers and one of the latter’s hands sent an open-palmed blow to the side of Dina’s face, winding her for a moment as she tried to regain herself, and meeting another blow with her own hand and blocking it. Her thighs tightened around Ellie’s waist, trying desperately to keep her down.

Excitement pooled between her legs as Ellie’s other hand found Dina’s throat, both girls blocking each other’s hands while reaching for the other’s neck. Ellie had tried moving her legs up, only landing a thigh into Dina’s backside, rendering her lower body useless to Dina’s straddle.

It had become very hard to hide the way having Ellie beneath her, both of them struggling for power and sweating and groaning into each other – their bodies pressed so close together in the heat of it all – was making Dina hot with lust. She felt pure adrenaline and feral instinct fueling her to keep fighting against the stronger girl, and when the two girls kept their eyes locked on each other for long enough, Dina read it clear as day across Ellie’s face, too.

“Give up,” Dina groaned out, her words equally as strained as the ones from the Ellie as the constant force had her struggling to breathe, let alone speak.

“No…” The breath was harsh as Dina’s fingers curled around her throat, and Ellie’s pupils only seemed to blow out more, their eyes never breaking.

Quickly, Dina’s hand let go of the one fighting Ellie’s, dodging the girl’s blow to her face with a jerk of her head. Dina’s hand joined the other at Ellie’s neck, and with a surge of force, had Ellie slammed back down against the floor.

Groaning harshly from the sudden pressure on her neck, Ellie’s hands tried to reach for Dina’s face, managing to grip her cheek desperately, looking for a way to gain the advantage and finding none when Dina pulled her head farther back.

There was just a moment where Dina’s defenses seemed to weaken, their eyes staying locked and Dina wanted nothing more than to lean down and capture the girl’s lips in a searing kiss. There was nothing more satisfying than watching Ellie completely helpless under Dina’s dangerous grip, and nothing ever pressed at her conscience so much than in that moment where she wanted the entire room to disappear so that she could slam their lips together and ravage her.

All of her anger melded together with her complete desire for the girl underneath her, all of her hatred turned to the same carnal need she felt every time Ellie was around.

Almost subconsciously, Dina’s hips started rocking gently in the struggle, Ellie’s eyes widening just slightly in response as she fought harder against the girl above her. The need to grasp dominance and overpower her became clear, and Dina could hardly fight it.

Ellie’s newfound strength proved to be enough to knock Dina from her position of power, and Ellie quickly rose up, fighting against Dina’s strong hands and skillfully flipping them one more time as she gained an advantage with her leg, Dina’s straddling grip faltering as the motions with her hips sent shockwaves through her body.

Two strong hands found Dina’s wrists and sent them straight into the mat at both sides of her head. It was Ellie’s turn to maneuver around Dina’s lower half, attempting to straddle her this time but missing as Dina lifted her legs into her body. It landed Ellie directly in between Dina’s legs accidentally, causing them both to groan harshly at the force. 

In order to lock Ellie down, Dina’s legs wrapped tightly around Ellie’s waist, keeping the taller girl from going anywhere or pinning Dina’s legs down with her hands. Ellie may have had control of Dina’s upper body, but she wasn’t letting her get control of her legs, too.

Impatiently, Ellie’s hands lifted from Dina’s wrists, weakened from the warmness between the smaller girl’s thighs touching against the thin fabric of her boxer shorts, completely giving her lust away and rendering Ellie the same.

Having Ellie’s panting breath touching against her face only sent Dina’s body further into a sensual overdrive.

With her free arms, Dina fought against the force against her neck by wrapping around Ellie’s neck, pulling her head down into Dina’s chest and straining her neck in a way that had a strained moan of pain sounding through gritted teeth of the girl above her. Dina kept up the force, pulling and pulling in hopes that it would get Ellie to frightfully tap out.

Just when she thought her arms would give out, Ellie’s hand lifted from Dina’s neck and slammed hard down against the mat next to beneath them twice. 

Immediately letting go, Dina felt all the pressure release but tension still hung heavily in the air. But nothing would beat the triumphant feeling of besting Ellie in a physical altercation.

Getting up with a grumble, Ellie shouldered her way past Dina as she headed back to the starting point, leaving only for Dina to join the other victors on the sideline. As Ellie moved away, her eyes locked with Dina’s in an enraged, resentful, intense stare.

Dina didn’t miss her blown pupils, though. She had gotten just as excited as Dina had and that only made her victory more delicious.

Wordlessly, and with a dastardly smile written across her face, Dina made her way over to the line of her group mates, sitting down beside them as she regained her breath and wiped her sweat-covered face off with a damp, cold towelette, washing away the anger and resentment as she calmed down. 

She could only watch in amusement and excitement as she watched Ellie take down the next opponent, not failing to notice how hard she went on the poor boy beneath her as she unleashed all of her unspoken rage and tension on her new opponent.

Dina’s smile only held a cynical satisfaction.

•••

Hours would pass as training continued, and not again did Dina go head-to-head with Ellie. Throughout the remaining exercises and evaluations, Dina barely caught glimpses of Ellie, let alone be as up close and personal as she’d previously been.

Much to her own shameful disappointment.

As her foregoing anger and resentment had faded away quickly over the course of the day and evening, a vast shadow of guilt and wonder plagued her. The reality of the situation she was undergoing with Ellie started to become more than just a distant bother in the back of her mind. She was starting to realize that she really hated the way these things with Ellie went felt like.

An idiotic desperation seemed to slowly build over the hours of isolation from the taller girl. It was as if their fight had completely removed all of her previous anger toward her. Releasing that tension and stress physically on each other served as an alternative for their usual passionate intimacies. Though, Dina had to admit that she much preferred the latter.

_Why do I kind of feel bad for fighting so hard with her back then?_ Her own guilt was started to chew away at the edges of her mind, and she realized that her fight with Ellie hadn’t felt as good as it did in that moment than when it was actually happening. In fact, she felt quite horrible about putting her hands on Ellie in a way that wasn’t sexually driven or behind closed doors in her quiet house. There was a crushing remorse that was affecting her much more deeply than she had initially anticipated, and she just couldn’t swallow it.

The sun had just started to set when Tommy and Maria dismissed all of the cadets. It had been long, vigorous hours of training, more training than Dina knew she ever needed.

_At least you got to see Ellie._

The thought alone seemed to take her by surprise. The way the words sounded next to each other didn’t feel right, not in the slightest. She didn’t mean it.

_No, what the fuck are you thinking? She’s fucking annoying. She’s awful, and I can’t stand her. I couldn’t give less than a shit about her._

The words weren’t that convincing, even to her. She forced herself to brush it off.

Heading into the locker room that merged with the massive bathroom, Dina was quick to change into a better pair of clothes. Relief flooded her as she stripped away the sweaty, mangled pieces of clothing she’d worn throughout the evening. She savored the feeling of clean, fresh clothes touching against her soft, clammy skin.

_God, I can’t wait to just get the fuck out of here._

But she was quickly cut off by a shadow – a familiar enough silhouette – of a tall girl walking by hall of lockers without even a second glance in Dina’s direction. Just seeing her walk off without a care for a single soul in the room around her – not even her – stung deeply, the pain welling in her chest and making her throat feel tight.

Every muscle in her legs wanted to run after her, but when she pushed her way out the door with a slam, she felt her heart sink just slightly in her ribcage.

“Hey, Di,” a familiar, sweet voice sounded from behind her. Turning around from the direction of the door, she was met with the kind face of her friend, Alissa.

Swallowing the discontent from the moments before, Dina forced out an awkward smile. “Hey, Allie.”

“Nice job today,” She congratulated sweetly, her soft hand finding one of Dina’s shoulders. “That was an intense fight earlier.”

_Oh, you just had to bring it up, didn’t you?_

“Thanks,” Dina forcibly chuckled, hoping she would get the hint to drop the subject entirely. Apparently, it hadn’t been obvious enough.

“No, I mean, that was crazy!” Her excitement was normal cute to Dina, but today she was just too backed up with painful thoughts and memories that she could hardly bother to even tune in what the girl was saying. “You totally destroyed her!”

“Yeah…”

Alissa was elevated and positive, and admittedly, Dina almost fell into the mood trap herself. But there was just too much on her mind to even begin to celebrate her victory – not any more than she already had, that was. She had already done her fair share of that.

The shorter girl seemed to pick up on Dina’s odd attitude, quick to point out the observation in a concerned manner. “You doing okay?”

Her eyes were still glued to that damn door. The same one Ellie had previously exited out of, the same one she felt an undeniable need to go out of, too. She wanted to chase her.

So, she decided not to fight it anymore.

“Yeah, just something I need to take care of.”

Alissa didn’t bother to ask, didn’t bother to protest before Dina was slinging her bag over her shoulder and making haste toward the big wooden door leading out of the lockers. She pushed her way out, taking glances down both ends of the hallways before she headed to the right, taking her to the exit door. 

That’s where she found Ellie, pushing her way out into the cool winter air without so much as looking back.

Every part of her body fought her. Her mind was yelling to her to stop. _This isn’t like you. Why are you chasing after her? What does it matter? What does she matter? She’s just the girl you hate._

“Hey, wait,” Her voice was shaky when she called out to the girl who stopped dead in her tracks in return.

Slowly turning, Dina was met with blazing, icy green eyes unlike any she’d ever seen. She couldn’t read them this time – she didn’t know why, but there wasn’t just the usual distaste hidden behind the forest green color. It almost seemed like there was just a twinge of hope there, too.

Ellie was silent. The floor was Dina’s as she approached carefully, the light peering in through the door Ellie held open lighting her face and bouncing off the fair skin of the girl in front of her. The edges of Ellie’s hair glowed a golden color from the sunset, the entire outline of her body glowing in this mystic light.

Dina felt all the sensible thought leave her. “Are you okay?” Dina asked with such an unintentional tenderness in her voice that it visibly took Ellie off-guard. She didn’t miss the way Ellie’s eyes widened at how sincere the words sounded.

It was the first time she’d ever heard Dina address her with such concern, and the admiration was written all over her face. Dina drank it in hungrily.

She watched the taller girl try and harden her first almost instantly, but by then it was far too late. Dina had already watched the vulnerability peek through the cracks of the walls she eagerly chipped away at day by day.

“I’m fine,” Her tone was cold, completely contrasted to the look on her face mere moments beforehand. She turned away, doing her best to hide at least half of her face and glare out the door, as if she yearned to escape this emotional tension between the two of them.

Dina was quiet for a moment, before a heavy sigh escaped her lips. “Listen, about the fight back there…”

That seemed to catch Ellie’s attention rather quickly. Her silence spoke volumes. She was actually listening.

Dina’s words seemed to drag off somewhere, leaving her mind full of all kinds of doubt and hope and stress and yearning. It was a confused mess. _She_ was a confused mess. The guilt was too built on her chest to make any sarcastic comments, to take any digs at her, or to make her feel any worse. _I want to apologize…_

“How’s your neck?”

Ellie reached up to gently touch the skin of her own neck, which was visibly still red and a slight purple color had built near the center. “I’ve had worse.”

Her curt and quick responses had Dina’s heart aching ever so slightly. She hated it.

But hearing Ellie’s voice for the first time all day and all night – the cold, lonely night – it filled her with a warmth and an adoration that she tried desperately to swallow, and failed each time.

She could only nod and offer the smallest, sympathetic grin that Ellie didn’t return. There was such a painful tension between them, but there was this lingering cloud of concern – it was all so strange to her.

_Why does it feel like I missed you?_

“Look, Ellie…” Dina started, struggling to find the right words and put an end to the useless fighting. “Today sucked, alright? I…” _I really missed you._ “I don’t want to keep this going for the next week and a half. This silence and this bickering…” Another sincere sigh fell from her mouth. “It’s just really annoying.”

Ellie’s face softened again, but only for a second before a scornful glare reappeared on her face. “Annoying, huh? That’s how you see it?” She turned back toward the shorter girl and crossed her arms, having taken offense to her words. “You wanna know what’s annoying? You kicking me out into the cold the other n–”

“I’m sorry,” The sudden apology halting Ellie’s words immediately and stopping her dead in her tracks. “I didn’t mean that shit, okay? I don’t know, I just…”

_I was too afraid that I would like the feeling of you next to me too much._

“… I wasn’t thinking.”

Ellie stayed silent, processing the words she thought she would never hear from the girl in front of her. Dina’s eyes were big and truthful, completely raw and vulnerable in the light of the moment.

“Okay,” Was all Ellie said. The anger had washed away from her tone, Dina’s apology and her sincerity crashing like a wave and taking all of Ellie’s previous distaste with it. Of course, she didn’t show it. Dina had to read it. And it was written all over her face.

And that was that. That’s all it took.

As much as Dina wanted to say more, how much she wanted to completely defy her brain – who kept insisting that the tall, beautiful, infuriating girl in front of her should be hated – and tell Ellie that she missed her dearly, she bit back the words. 

That kind of discussion didn’t happen. They never talked about their feelings, not ever.

“Do you, uh…” Her words were shy and it seemed to get Ellie’s attention once more. Those typically cold and angry eyes a calm, stoic gaze. “Do you want to come over later?”

Ellie’s eyebrows twitched at her words.

“I don’t mind if you stay this time.”

Her own heart raced at the words. There was this moment, this glimmer of hope between the two of them. It was so tender, so quick and fragile. Gone in an instant.

“That’s alright,” Ellie declined, her voice airy and light and more calm than Dina had ever once heard it in the months she’d known Ellie. Dina’s face fell in rejection, but Ellie was quick to extinguish the fire of humiliation with a soothing tone. “Maybe another time?”

Dina felt her heart well in her chest. As much as she’d wanted to unravel every one of her packed away, built-up emotions that she held, and as much as she wanted Ellie to stay that night, she knew she had no one to blame but herself, and Ellie would come around when she was ready. _At least it’s something._

“Okay.”

The silence was comfortable this time, most of the pressuring tension having decreased. There was still so much that went unsaid, but Dina kept all of her feelings at bay, as she always did, and let the moment be. She let Ellie turn and start to take a step out of the door without intervening, but it was her respectful silence that bought her a solemn last word.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Ellie murmured before turning and leaving the building as quickly as she’d come.

Dina knew that her words shouldn’t have affected her as much as they did, but having the promise of tomorrow was something she’d never had with Ellie. Knowing that, for once, it wasn’t up in the air, knowing that, for once, Ellie was thinking far ahead enough that she anticipated seeing Dina the next day was all that she needed to keep her satisfied.

At least, until Dina started down the sidewalk toward her home, stopped dead in her tracks as the house came into view, and turned instantly to head down a different road, leading her to a totally different house.

A house where she wouldn’t feel so alone.

•••

Jesse’s house felt colder than usual. Dina definitely didn’t remember it like that.

It had been quite some time since Dina had managed to find her way to Jesse’s doorstep in the evening, hoping to find some kind of solace from the cold, or, alternatively, a stress relief after a long day.

But, ever since Ellie came parading through Dina’s life, their on-and-off relationship had come to a hard, cold stop. 

Part of her felt guilty when she found herself in his bed. Jesse was always the first one to welcome her in, confiding in her and telling her that he undoubtedly missed her. It always made her feel just a little bit warmer than she’d felt normally, but this time, when he said it, she felt nothing.

She felt absolutely nothing when Jesse told her that he missed her, or when he leaned down to capture her lips in a kiss.

There was so much emotion pent up in her body, welling in her chest and causing a thorn to grow deep in her side. So much anger and frustration and care and adoration, all directed at a girl who was nowhere to be found that night. She had wanted her in her bed – Dina yearned for Ellie every night since their affair had started. But she wasn’t around, and Dina needed a release.

She wanted to stop thinking about Ellie for just one moment. Maybe that would finally keep her chest from hurting, or the need between her legs sated.

Admittedly, when Jesse pressed her down against the bed, she didn’t picture the boy above her. She didn’t enjoy the way his scruff felt against her skin. Not anymore, not like she used to. 

It was absolutely infuriating.

She just wanted to feel something other than the constant need to have Ellie near her, around her, on top of her, _inside of her…_

“You’re so hot…” The heated whisper from Jesse caused Dina’s heart to sink in her chest.

The normal feeling of excitement and pleasure she would feel from having him say that, it was all gone. All she could remember were the plethora of times she heard those exact words coming from Ellie’s mouth instead of his.

Dina didn’t respond, she didn’t return the heated compliment. She couldn’t bring herself to say fucking anything. She just laid there, letting his lips roam around her jaw and neck without a single ounce of pleasure to accompany it.

And that’s when the guilt hit.

Like a truck weighing more tons than she could imagine, like a horse kicking her in the chest. The guilt, it winded her. Not just from using Jesse like she was.

But she felt the guilt of sleeping with someone who wasn’t Ellie completely rip through her.

She imagined Ellie’s face walking in, seeing Jesse on top of her. She imagined the horrified, heartbroken betrayal.

_Would she even feel that way?_ Dina tried to picture what it would’ve been like if she had walked in on Cat and Ellie in a moment right then and there. She felt all of her nerves wake up and adrenaline filled her bloodstream. The panic set in. _I can’t even imagine it._

Placing her hands against his chest, she quickly pushed him off. He recuperated quickly, dazed, panting from the heat of the moment. Nothing but confusion was written across his face and it stung Dina.

_This isn’t right._

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Dina was quick to apologize, placing an open palm against her forehead as she tried to calm the roaring heart in her chest and the racing thoughts in her mind. “I…” There was nothing she could say.

“Are you okay?” Jesse pressed immediately, hand hovering in the air as he tried to reach out to her, but stopped himself mid-motion.

“I’m… I’m fine…” She didn’t know if she was trying to convince him or to convince herself. “I just…” _I can’t be here._ “I need to go.”

Hurt struck Jesse as she slipped out from under him and moved to grab her shirt off of the floor. She felt the disgust filter through her, so much so to the point that she hardly noticed that he was hurt.

“Are you sure…?” Jesse’s words were insecure and full of sincerity. “I can get you something before you leave? We can just stop…”

“No,” Dina muttered, stopping midway through the door and grabbing the frame with her free hand. Just like Ellie had done two nights beforehand. “You wouldn’t understand.”

She made her way quickly down the steps and out the door, not even entertaining the idea of turning back. She felt gross all over. Every one of her thoughts was chastising her for her immature, careless decision. Her heart raced as the anxiety continued to ravage her body. Throwing her coat over the mangled shirt, she felt the chill of the cold night air hit her and her breath became visible in front of her.

_God, what the fuck is wrong with me?_ She cursed herself out as she rushed her way home on the empty, freezing streets of Jackson, bee-lining for her house.

The entire way home, shivers raked her body and her mind continued to go in circles around the encounter.

She was starting to understand what was happening. She was starting to get a grip on the situation, and why Ellie was the only person she could think of the entire time she was there from the moment she walked in.

_I can’t do that again._

Picturing what it would’ve been like to walk in on Ellie and Cat all over each other had been her undoing. She knew immediately that she needed to get out of that house and away from Jesse. _What would she have said if she saw that? Walked right in on it in the moment?_

It was infuriating what a grasp Ellie had on her mind. _We’re not even together, what the fuck is wrong with me?_

_She is just sex. She’s always just been sex. Nothing more, nothing less. So, why do I feel so guilty?_ She couldn’t understand why she cared enough to stop and leave.

She couldn’t figure out why she cared so much about Ellie.

Despite the two of them not even being officially together, or romantically involved at all, she felt this horrible sense of disloyalty to the girl. Regardless of how much she couldn’t stand her… _Can I even say that anymore?_

Dina’s head began to pound with confusion and misdirection. There was so much going on, so much she was feeling that was just going completely unsaid.

_I can’t stand her. I know I can’t._

Her house came into sight. All of her thoughts diminished as she ran to the door and let herself in with the key, slamming it behind her and pressing her back to it. She let her head roll back and hit against the wood with a long sigh of frustration and dejection.

That face was the only thing she could think of. The way she looked at her with so much emotion hidden behind those green eyes. How much Dina wished she could dive into pools of green and find out everything she was thinking, everything she was feeling. Leaving it to a guess wasn’t serving to be good enough anymore. And she cared.

As much as she hated it, she cared. She wanted to know.

_I miss her._

She tried so many times to brush those thoughts off. Missing her late at night, wanting to find her during the day. All while hiding behind the cowardly mask of resentment, claiming she couldn’t bear to look at her.

Yet, she was starting to become the only face she wanted to look at.

_Maybe I can stand her a little bit._

It was so confusing and infuriating.

So unbelievably fucking infuriating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!
> 
> chapter 4 is set to release sometime in early december.
> 
> i'm definitely gonna be posting more for different fandoms soon (more specifically: legend of korra and she-ra and the princesses of power). keep an eye out for that if you're interested in seeing work from me on the korrasami and catradora pairings.
> 
> you can follow my tumblr @lmontyy or lmontyy.tumblr.com. there i post updates on my writing, personal stuff, and i spam with tlou, legend of korra, the walking dead, and she-ra content.
> 
> hope you enjoyed the read! comments and thoughts are appreciated!
> 
> much love,  
> monty

**Author's Note:**

> this is gonna be an interesting one.
> 
> thank you so much for reading. this is a concept tumblr seemed to enjoy, so i figured "hey, why not write it?"
> 
> you can follow my tumblr @lmontyy or lmontyy.tumblr.com. there i post updates on my writing, personal stuff, and i spam with tlou and legend of korra content.
> 
> i'm definitely gonna try and get better about posting. but i promise more stuff will be here soon enough. :)
> 
> hope you enjoyed the read! comments and thoughts are appreciated!
> 
> much love,  
> monty


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